deepundergroundpoetry.com
It's only rite
Gonna go too far again
I can tell
by the inside out goosebumps
The stars of mania seem to align
damn near this time
every year
Quiet
when the suns anthem
is the clearest
thinking I have grown
but
Soon
It's high time
I sing sloppy, loud
and beautiful
before the flowers wilt
and
by harvest
sure as shit gonna have
well worn matted wool legs
strong from dance
and calcified feet turned hooves
shiney enough to reflect the moon
so she can see herself
Published 3rd Aug 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
reading list entries 0
comments 17
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Well that's different for you, (the pun at the end). I think it might make a better opening line. Get the pun out so we don't take it as a summation. Really like the sloppy singing stanza. Also the general idea that you are not just celebrating, or going through ritual motions, but you are actually helpless to refuse your participation.
3rd Aug 2012 3:45am
So spot on my intention,thanks steve...totally canning that line,but as I asked in pm I sent, think it would work as title?..also as I said in pm,not too attached so not.necessary
3rd Aug 2012 3:49am
We are playing PM tag. Yes I like it as a title, as that next to the last line feels like the stronger ending. If you have a nice pun, you might as well keep it and a title is a very apropos spot.
3rd Aug 2012 3:51am
3rd Aug 2012 4:17am
3rd Aug 2012 7:04am
3rd Aug 2012 2:18pm
3rd Aug 2012 9:04am
ahh, mania...she never fails to have her way with us on the dance floor of life!
3rd Aug 2012 2:19pm
3rd Aug 2012 9:42am
I love the line breaks, how they sometimes hang before the next.. and the lingo, well.. Keeps it down to earth.
A fine write indeed, Sir!
Looking forward to catching more from you
3rd Aug 2012 2:22pm
Many thanks Violet..the line breaks are one of my structural focuses right now, so awful glad worked for ya
3rd Aug 2012 2:39pm
Oh the flowers would wilt if I sing. Another lively poem. I swear I give negative feedback on poems I just haven't found a flaw in one of yours just yet
3rd Aug 2012 2:52pm
Ha,yes my song too would wilt the flowers,cant sing a lick-but doesnt stop me. Glad that I have hidden the flaws from you, thank ya kindly ms. gigi
4th Aug 2012 9:52pm
5th Aug 2012 5:06pm
10th Aug 2012 10:07pm
Brilliant. Semms as if you are turning xxxxxinto something... demonic? Line break style is level-ruler spot on. xxxx
10th Aug 2012 10:37pm
