losing inspiration

I've lost my inspiration
        Inside of rational thought
For I once believed my happiness
        Was in the bottom of a shot
Until that is I found my light
        Shining black for all to see
I opened up my eyes
        And found the strength inspite of me
No longer caged nor am I alone
        This new portrait that I have painted
I've kissed enough of pety sorrows
        To know I've changed though I am tainted
Alas it seems that which I hate
        Was truly what I loved
When I despise is when I feel
        Otherwise my creativity is snubed
So bare with me in my struggle
        To find the beauty in my speech
To write without true agony
        Is just as meaningless to me as it is to preach