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In the Crevices of My Mind

I wish I could say that at times I didn't have a dull ache and throbbing
always wondering why I wasn't good enough...
to capture and hold the love that flows
eloquently and flies like a kite on a
windy summer's day.

But yet I do have a pain that burns through flesh
on days especially like this.
I try to not let the words sear my heart
and just remember my passion goes overboard.

I must learn to not hang everything on the rod of love..
but to let my spirit find natural beauty and warmth.
But still inside me sweet illusions knock
on my imagination's door.
I must come across as a
selfish and consumed woman.

I wish I could only show my tenderness.
But it gets wrapped and twisted into rage
and then veiled is my truthful face.
I fly off the handle and say
what hits my mind and yet I know
Love is locked deep inside.
The love gets blended with the fear and sadness
then I am left again alone with my tears of depth.

If only alone I could be seen,
you'd see a side of me you thought you never could.
You'd see the sad, tired, worried and unloved
woman I have become.
The girl who once and still gets enmeshed completely with the nuances
of love. The woman who practically screams "somebody just love me."
The woman who knows that if you did, you'd have my whole heart
that would cherish you and never let us rip apart.
This girl wouldn't need to impress or distress
she'd simply be herself in love with you, and birds, tulips and willow trees.

But I am now accepting that she only lives with me in hidden places.
No one quite understands they quickly jump to their own conclusions
and don't take the time to look in those dark and shadowed spaces.
The real me is in the corner now
wondering why her passionate words
go shunned and chalked up for jealousy.
When all I really ever mean is this:
I don't want to be the whole world, or perfect, or a pinup or a goddess.
I want someone who needs me so without me they are helpless regardless.
They know and I know
no other could replace me
so they find the thought futile
and realize that in their life
there would always be me
that no one else could make you
turn your back.
You would never even dream of risking that.

But I must be honest to me right now.I haven't come close to seeing that
I need to crawl out of my optical illusion
and focus on another solution.
That sometimes wounded hearts
must live without a conclusion
and have the words turning circles
in motion and cry some more tears
of experiencing true love and devotion
but knowing it is almost gone
my words slip through and away
like an incandesent heart.
Written by firecrackerxx
Published
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