deepundergroundpoetry.com
The longest eight minutes of someones life
no one told her about the eight minutes
she didn't have a clue
she went to the store to get rope
in a few hours her life would be through
she walked as far as she could
she climbed an old tree
she tied the rope double knotting it
soon she thought she would be free
she looked to the sky one final time
a few reluctant tears escaped her sad green eyes
she put the rope around her neck
she was fearlessly preparing to die
she took a few breaths and then she jumped
she did not break her neck when she let go
she grabbed at her throat and grabbed at the rope
nothing worked she just swung too and fro
her life passing like a movie in her mind
her body still jerking as it hung from the tree
full of regret and wishing for a second chance
but we all know that can never be
she didn't have a clue
she went to the store to get rope
in a few hours her life would be through
she walked as far as she could
she climbed an old tree
she tied the rope double knotting it
soon she thought she would be free
she looked to the sky one final time
a few reluctant tears escaped her sad green eyes
she put the rope around her neck
she was fearlessly preparing to die
she took a few breaths and then she jumped
she did not break her neck when she let go
she grabbed at her throat and grabbed at the rope
nothing worked she just swung too and fro
her life passing like a movie in her mind
her body still jerking as it hung from the tree
full of regret and wishing for a second chance
but we all know that can never be
Published 24th Jul 2012
| Edited 25th Jul 2012
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24th Jul 2012 7:06pm
Damn that is a depressing poem. But reallly really good. I enjoyed it alot. Loved the wording the intensity. awesome over all.
24th Jul 2012 7:08pm
Anonymous
24th Jul 2012 9:26pm
Very well done....depressing...but...many have thought of this....good work
24th Jul 2012 9:28pm
25th Jul 2012 4:14am
Maybe I`m nuts, but i dont find this so depressing --- I see it more as a cautionary tale.
Nikki tells the story in an almost "matter-of-fact" way--- like a "Primer".
I think that mutes the horror just
enough for the reader to not be
"brought way down".
Its written so that we are NOT compelled to "look away" and I think that's essential --- because we all HAVE to face this troubling subject.
Also --- the Visual is amazing.
To me, A great job all around Nikki,
Bravo.....
Nikki tells the story in an almost "matter-of-fact" way--- like a "Primer".
I think that mutes the horror just
enough for the reader to not be
"brought way down".
Its written so that we are NOT compelled to "look away" and I think that's essential --- because we all HAVE to face this troubling subject.
Also --- the Visual is amazing.
To me, A great job all around Nikki,
Bravo.....
25th Jul 2012 2:10pm
25th Jul 2012 2:36pm
ok see the problem here as I see it is to do with the flow ie syllable count. I think that when using a tight ABAB rhyme scheme that readers (well me anyway) automatically try fit it into a syllable count while reading.
that's not to say that the lines need to have a matching syllable count, sometimes close is close enough.
the first stanza is pretty close and so is easy enough to read with a kind of flow.
"no one told her about the eight minutes (10)
she didnt have a clue (6)
she went to the store to get rope (8)
in a few hours her life would be through(9)
take the first two lines 10 - 6 , this works well, you could stick 'some' in between 'get and rope to bring the third line up to 9.
"she walked as far as she could (7)
she climbed a tree (4)
she tied the rope double knotting it(9)
soon she thought she would be free" (7)
This stanza kind of loses it y'now. if you put 'possibly' after she on the first it will bring your count back up to 10, and if you put 'an old oak' after climbed on the second line it'll bring that up to 6 and if you changed 'she would ' on the last line to 'she'd ' it would bring that count down to 6
so if you read it aloud to yourself with them changes you might get a feel for what i am saying.
that said, the story line and imagery is pretty damn good, well worth reading.
cheers , fair play.
that's not to say that the lines need to have a matching syllable count, sometimes close is close enough.
the first stanza is pretty close and so is easy enough to read with a kind of flow.
"no one told her about the eight minutes (10)
she didnt have a clue (6)
she went to the store to get rope (8)
in a few hours her life would be through(9)
take the first two lines 10 - 6 , this works well, you could stick 'some' in between 'get and rope to bring the third line up to 9.
"she walked as far as she could (7)
she climbed a tree (4)
she tied the rope double knotting it(9)
soon she thought she would be free" (7)
This stanza kind of loses it y'now. if you put 'possibly' after she on the first it will bring your count back up to 10, and if you put 'an old oak' after climbed on the second line it'll bring that up to 6 and if you changed 'she would ' on the last line to 'she'd ' it would bring that count down to 6
so if you read it aloud to yourself with them changes you might get a feel for what i am saying.
that said, the story line and imagery is pretty damn good, well worth reading.
cheers , fair play.
25th Jul 2012 8:20pm
