deepundergroundpoetry.com
One Hundred Survivors
Day One:
Dearest Husband,
I thought I would keep a journal of our trip for you. After you decided you could not be bothered to come with us, (even though you had promised), I went out and bought this pretty pink notebook with the flower on it, just for you [and your whore] to kiss my ass with.
Day Three:
First, I want to say, fuck you! Fuck you for not coming with us. Fuck you for picking her [again]! Fuck you for not being here to protect us. Fuck! You!
By now, I am sure you have heard our plane never made it to our destination. The sun has set two times since the crash.
We are not doing well. There is no food and very little medical supplies. It is below freezing here. Snow covers the ground of ice, and more keeps plunging its way toward the earth.
Our daughter is in shock, and our son, he is hurt badly. I just…I just don’t know.
Day Four:
Do you remember ten years ago, when I gave birth to our son? How he screamed the whole time the nurses had him. He had such a good pair of lungs on him, didn’t he? Do you remember how they brought him over to me, all wrapped in his fuzzy [Whinny the Pooh] blanket? Do you remember how as soon as they set him in my arms, he immediately stopped screaming? As if he already knew who I was, and all he needed was for me to hold him.
Today, he started screaming. He was in so much pain. There was nothing anyone could do. I grabbed a blanket, wrapped him in it. I held him, and he stopped screaming. The pain left him, and he…left us.
Day Five:
Desperation has set in. People are scrambling. Looking for anything they can eat to survive another day. We are all going to die if we don’t get rescued soon.
People are gathered in a group. They are looking at me strangely. I don’t care what they say; I am not letting him go. I can’t. I won’t. I just want to hold him. I know he is gone, but I can’t accept this fate. He is my baby, [God] why couldn’t it have been me? Why him? It should have been me! I wish it had been me.
Our daughter won’t stop crying. The hunger pain is too much for her. She looks terrible. I don’t think she will make it much longer without food. I can’t bear to watch her die too. Why hasn’t anyone come???
A peculiar looking woman approached me today. She kept spewing weird shit about how we all need to make sacrifices in order to survive. She said something about the greater good and telling our story. I don’t know what the fuck she was talking about. I started screaming at her.
“Don’t you fucking understand? We are all going to die; I hope starting with me. I can’t watch my daughter suffer anymore. She is freezing, and starving and I can’t do anything about it!”
Then she said I could.
She kept looking at our son. She said, “Everyone is put here on this earth for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe he died for a reason, and that, is to save us all.”
I was too exhausted to comprehend what she was trying to say. She took that as an invitation to continue talking. She placed her icy frail hand on mine, looked deeply into my eyes and said, “You need to think about your daughter, and her survival. You need to think about the one hundred people, who could still survive, and all of their families, and how you could save all of them from the destroying grief that you yourself are going through”.
She told me that if I gave our son up for a sacrifice, then we would all be saved, starting with our daughter.
I think…no. I think…they want…to eat him!
No. I can’t let them…eat him! They can’t eat him! They’re not going to eat him! They’ll have to kill me first…but our daughter…our sweet, sweet baby girl. I can’t leave her here with these vultures.
Day Six:
I didn’t sleep. They waited to see if I would. I’m not stupid though. They would have tried to take him from me.
I have a plan though. We are only going to die anyway. It might as well be now.
You should have come with us. Now you have to live without us. I hope she was worth it. I hope you two are very happy together. If you ever get sad, just remember, we are living and continuing on [inside] one hundred survivors.
Entered in the "Father's Day Competition"
Voting at:
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/56616-happy-fathers-day/
© Rachel Orrick 2012
Dearest Husband,
I thought I would keep a journal of our trip for you. After you decided you could not be bothered to come with us, (even though you had promised), I went out and bought this pretty pink notebook with the flower on it, just for you [and your whore] to kiss my ass with.
Day Three:
First, I want to say, fuck you! Fuck you for not coming with us. Fuck you for picking her [again]! Fuck you for not being here to protect us. Fuck! You!
By now, I am sure you have heard our plane never made it to our destination. The sun has set two times since the crash.
We are not doing well. There is no food and very little medical supplies. It is below freezing here. Snow covers the ground of ice, and more keeps plunging its way toward the earth.
Our daughter is in shock, and our son, he is hurt badly. I just…I just don’t know.
Day Four:
Do you remember ten years ago, when I gave birth to our son? How he screamed the whole time the nurses had him. He had such a good pair of lungs on him, didn’t he? Do you remember how they brought him over to me, all wrapped in his fuzzy [Whinny the Pooh] blanket? Do you remember how as soon as they set him in my arms, he immediately stopped screaming? As if he already knew who I was, and all he needed was for me to hold him.
Today, he started screaming. He was in so much pain. There was nothing anyone could do. I grabbed a blanket, wrapped him in it. I held him, and he stopped screaming. The pain left him, and he…left us.
Day Five:
Desperation has set in. People are scrambling. Looking for anything they can eat to survive another day. We are all going to die if we don’t get rescued soon.
People are gathered in a group. They are looking at me strangely. I don’t care what they say; I am not letting him go. I can’t. I won’t. I just want to hold him. I know he is gone, but I can’t accept this fate. He is my baby, [God] why couldn’t it have been me? Why him? It should have been me! I wish it had been me.
Our daughter won’t stop crying. The hunger pain is too much for her. She looks terrible. I don’t think she will make it much longer without food. I can’t bear to watch her die too. Why hasn’t anyone come???
A peculiar looking woman approached me today. She kept spewing weird shit about how we all need to make sacrifices in order to survive. She said something about the greater good and telling our story. I don’t know what the fuck she was talking about. I started screaming at her.
“Don’t you fucking understand? We are all going to die; I hope starting with me. I can’t watch my daughter suffer anymore. She is freezing, and starving and I can’t do anything about it!”
Then she said I could.
She kept looking at our son. She said, “Everyone is put here on this earth for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe he died for a reason, and that, is to save us all.”
I was too exhausted to comprehend what she was trying to say. She took that as an invitation to continue talking. She placed her icy frail hand on mine, looked deeply into my eyes and said, “You need to think about your daughter, and her survival. You need to think about the one hundred people, who could still survive, and all of their families, and how you could save all of them from the destroying grief that you yourself are going through”.
She told me that if I gave our son up for a sacrifice, then we would all be saved, starting with our daughter.
I think…no. I think…they want…to eat him!
No. I can’t let them…eat him! They can’t eat him! They’re not going to eat him! They’ll have to kill me first…but our daughter…our sweet, sweet baby girl. I can’t leave her here with these vultures.
Day Six:
I didn’t sleep. They waited to see if I would. I’m not stupid though. They would have tried to take him from me.
I have a plan though. We are only going to die anyway. It might as well be now.
You should have come with us. Now you have to live without us. I hope she was worth it. I hope you two are very happy together. If you ever get sad, just remember, we are living and continuing on [inside] one hundred survivors.
Entered in the "Father's Day Competition"
Voting at:
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/56616-happy-fathers-day/
© Rachel Orrick 2012
Published 25th Jun 2012
| Edited 28th Jun 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 8
reading list entries 0
comments 20
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
25th Jun 2012 10:39am
Heartfelt. I felt your angst and see your responsible ways.
Strider :)
Strider :)
25th Jun 2012 10:46am
25th Jun 2012 11:06am
This is an excellent story Rachel, I hope it's just a story? I felt every emotion, you expressed and penned this brilliantly.
Love the twist at the end. Good luck with the competition.(if it's still running) :)
Love the twist at the end. Good luck with the competition.(if it's still running) :)
25th Jun 2012 7:45pm
Yes, it is just a story, which is why it makes me glad that you were able to feel every emotion. I am glad you like it. Thank you for your kind words. :)
Amazing.
You should be writing novels; this should be expanded. I don't know if it is poetry really but it has impact. Extremely well written; You are already a consumate writer; there is an author in there.
Clever and riveting; keep it up
You should be writing novels; this should be expanded. I don't know if it is poetry really but it has impact. Extremely well written; You are already a consumate writer; there is an author in there.
Clever and riveting; keep it up
Anonymous
25th Jun 2012 7:47pm
I agree with Leo here! Nice entry, Rachel, very real, very heartfelt:)
25th Jun 2012 7:48pm
25th Jun 2012 7:49pm
25th Jun 2012 1:43pm
Oh man I've lived this life. Of being with a man that cares only for himself. So many promises broken. Three hearts hurting due to one man. It's better to walk. If you haven't.
Very heartfelt sis
Very heartfelt sis
Hey Gigi! Yes, I know all too well what you are saying. :)
Thanks for your comment :)
Thanks for your comment :)
Anonymous
25th Jun 2012 3:22pm
This was so well written, I could not stop reading it. The poem and story are excellent. Many people will feel a resonance with what you have written as the emotions show through well...descriptive, not hysterical.....
A brilliant poem
Peace
Kitty
A brilliant poem
Peace
Kitty
25th Jun 2012 7:53pm
"descriptive, not hysterical..... "
I am glad that you said that. It was part of my goal to not sound hysterical, but to have the emotions felt strongly at the same time.
Thank you for your feedback, I truly appreciate it :)
I am glad that you said that. It was part of my goal to not sound hysterical, but to have the emotions felt strongly at the same time.
Thank you for your feedback, I truly appreciate it :)
25th Jun 2012 3:42pm
I was riveted from the first paragraph to the last! An excellent piece with powerful imagery!
25th Jun 2012 7:57pm
I am glad it held your attention. I was worried it was too long. Thanks for the kind feedback. :)
26th Jun 2012 00:45am
this poems should be accompanied with a big box of tissues!
i do hope you win this competition.
i do hope you win this competition.
26th Jun 2012 00:53am
Lol, thank you! You can help me win by going to vote at:
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/56616-happy-fathers-day/
Thanks for the comment and the read :)
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/56616-happy-fathers-day/
Thanks for the comment and the read :)
26th Jun 2012 2:06am
Rachel,
Finally. [I had honestly thought I had been
following you all this time. Not everyone
writes regularly here, hence I assumed that
it could be applied to you. Until, of course
two days ago.]
I have seen two documentaries which depicted
incidents described here. And there have been
countless stories. This is one aspect of human
existence and conditioning that often amazes
me. [Almost a battle of 'good vs evil', 'psyche vs soma'.]
I will offer my view on a few things that caught my eye.
The use of expletives IMO can be altered/removed to showcase genuine anguish. In a real life scenario, despite the anguish not many scorned lover will use expletives in a journal. When there are chances the other person might not see it. While spoken it can be justified though unlike in written form[in the journal I mean] JMHO.
Day 3:
'It is below freezing here. Snow covers the ground of ice, and more keeps plunging its way toward the earth.'
Did you mean 'Freezing point?'
That is the technical term. 'freezing' is used to describe sharp cold. So I believe the use of correct jargon will make it better. Or an alternative.
Day 4:
Today, the pain left him, and he…left us.
'Today' has been used once here, hence the second today IMO is redundant. You can replace it with 'Finally' or any other alternative.
Day 5:
We are all going to die if we don’t soon get rescued.
Second half should be tweaked.
...if we soon don't get rescued.' or any other alternative.
'The hunger pains are too much for her.'
'Hunger pangs' is a better alternative.
'A peculiar woman' should be 'a peculiar
looking woman'.
'I hope starting with me.' It can be tweaked
and merged with the previous sentence. IMO.
I loved the end. Power packed. Clinical. Emotive. Bang on. That was cleverly expressed
with an emotional overdrive. Well done.
Happy writing,
Sumeet
Finally. [I had honestly thought I had been
following you all this time. Not everyone
writes regularly here, hence I assumed that
it could be applied to you. Until, of course
two days ago.]
I have seen two documentaries which depicted
incidents described here. And there have been
countless stories. This is one aspect of human
existence and conditioning that often amazes
me. [Almost a battle of 'good vs evil', 'psyche vs soma'.]
I will offer my view on a few things that caught my eye.
The use of expletives IMO can be altered/removed to showcase genuine anguish. In a real life scenario, despite the anguish not many scorned lover will use expletives in a journal. When there are chances the other person might not see it. While spoken it can be justified though unlike in written form[in the journal I mean] JMHO.
Day 3:
'It is below freezing here. Snow covers the ground of ice, and more keeps plunging its way toward the earth.'
Did you mean 'Freezing point?'
That is the technical term. 'freezing' is used to describe sharp cold. So I believe the use of correct jargon will make it better. Or an alternative.
Day 4:
Today, the pain left him, and he…left us.
'Today' has been used once here, hence the second today IMO is redundant. You can replace it with 'Finally' or any other alternative.
Day 5:
We are all going to die if we don’t soon get rescued.
Second half should be tweaked.
...if we soon don't get rescued.' or any other alternative.
'The hunger pains are too much for her.'
'Hunger pangs' is a better alternative.
'A peculiar woman' should be 'a peculiar
looking woman'.
'I hope starting with me.' It can be tweaked
and merged with the previous sentence. IMO.
I loved the end. Power packed. Clinical. Emotive. Bang on. That was cleverly expressed
with an emotional overdrive. Well done.
Happy writing,
Sumeet
26th Jun 2012 3:00am
Wow Sumeet, very refreshing to get advice on my work.
I will ponder and reconsider the expletives. I do think that most people write in journal's with 80% hope that no one will see it, so I guess that is your point, they wouldn't curse in it, because what is the point in cursing at your self?
I said, "freezing here" where we crashed. I guess point would work too, though to me, sounds too technical.
Day four; today...you are correct and I thank you for catching that.
"we don't soon get rescued" I did change twice already, I will look at it again though.
pangs vs pains...hunger pangs is fleeting, it lasts only a few seconds, hunger pains is more lasting, and that is what I am expressing here
A peculiar looking woman sounds and fits much better here.
I will change it to, "We are all going to die; I hope starting with me." That is much better.
Again, thank you for all the time and consideration you put into this. I truly appreciate it, and look forward to more feed back from you in the future.
I will ponder and reconsider the expletives. I do think that most people write in journal's with 80% hope that no one will see it, so I guess that is your point, they wouldn't curse in it, because what is the point in cursing at your self?
I said, "freezing here" where we crashed. I guess point would work too, though to me, sounds too technical.
Day four; today...you are correct and I thank you for catching that.
"we don't soon get rescued" I did change twice already, I will look at it again though.
pangs vs pains...hunger pangs is fleeting, it lasts only a few seconds, hunger pains is more lasting, and that is what I am expressing here
A peculiar looking woman sounds and fits much better here.
I will change it to, "We are all going to die; I hope starting with me." That is much better.
Again, thank you for all the time and consideration you put into this. I truly appreciate it, and look forward to more feed back from you in the future.
26th Jun 2012 3:16am
[Get used to being refreshed in that case.]:)
You have done the right thinking now. Expletives, yes. Totally. That was my point.
Pain is uncountable. So it should be used in singular. {grammar nazi] I completely got that point. [Thanks for explaining]
Take your time and think. About the rest.:)
Good luck and happy writing
You have done the right thinking now. Expletives, yes. Totally. That was my point.
Pain is uncountable. So it should be used in singular. {grammar nazi] I completely got that point. [Thanks for explaining]
Take your time and think. About the rest.:)
Good luck and happy writing
26th Jun 2012 3:25am
Pain, yes, thank you again.
I am glad to have a grammar Nazi hold me accountable because I too get frustrated when I see bad grammar, and I do my best to write properly at all times.
I am glad to have a grammar Nazi hold me accountable because I too get frustrated when I see bad grammar, and I do my best to write properly at all times.
