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May I Be A Mother? (A Secret)
When I was a little girl, I would treat my dolls as my children-- Dressing them, feeding them, throwing birthday parties for them. There was always the special doll that got a crib and a stroller and new clothes and who I took care of like I was really a mother and she was really my daughter. But then I got older and that part of me faded from playing with dolls to writing stories and there were five stories of mine that were suppose to end in teenage pregnancy. And that time in my life that I was obsessed with the movie "Juno" and when we learned about teenage pregnancy in health class I was just so interested in it. I just thought that the idea of teenage mothers intrigued me. But it was something more, something deep down inside of me that just was yearning to have something. When I started writing a story from a woman who was a mother's perspective I just fell into this adult role of maturity that I had never been given before. I put myself in the mind of someone that had experienced more and more than myself sometimes that I was able to write it perfectly and that scared me. When I couldn't write as her anymore, and I had to finally stop. There was always that motherly part of me that existed, that part of me that wanted to take care of everyone-- Wanted to keep everyone safe and make sure everyone was happy, it soon led to a mental breakdown. I focused on different things for a while, becoming a victim instead of a protector and then becoming a homewrecker I suppose. But I just wanted something and when I was allowed to just let down my walls and be happy again, everything just fell into place and my emotions became so hurt by the words "ABORTION" especially when I had a pregnancy scare back in Janurary. I cried when I thought that I might be pregnant and my boyfriend made a joke about getting an abortion. I cried when my mother said the same time making me feel like a murderer if I had to get an abortion. When the tests came back negative I remained unconvinced because I still hadn't gotten my period that month. And then I got it and everything was better I was put on the pill and everyone was happy.
I wasn't pregnant... Everything was better.
But a tiny part of me.
A part of me wanted to be pregnant.
"No that's stupid" I told myself.
I'm only eighteen.
My boyfriend is sixteen.
We're still in high school.
I'm living in a one room hotel.
How could I possibly even think about having a baby?
But my love for children.
And the idea of having a child didn't leave my heart and mind within the last few months.
Again, here I am in the midst of another pregnant scare.
Because I mixed up my birth control a few days ago and am not sure if taking the Friday pill at 2am Saturday morning counts as Friday night or not.
And then I wonder if I'm not pregnant.
And it's this easy for me to slip by pregnancy when I'm not trying.
What happens when I'm trying and it doesn't happen?
What if I can't have a baby?
What if I never get pregnant?
What if I can't....
But what if I'm pregnant now, I won't be able to give it up.
No matter if it's the size of a sea monkey or not.
I'm pro life, not pro choice even if it's my choice.
What if that baby wants a choice?
Oh God.... I've over thinking all of this.
And getting myself paranoid.
I'm so scared.
And the other day when I stood outside the birthing center in the hospital when I was suppose to be visiting my father, I just couldn't help but want to be in there on the other side, holding my baby. Bringing a life into this world, creating something special and not having anyone tell me that I messed up. But I know if I have a child now I will mess up.
"Don't worry Annie, one day we'll be ready" my boyfriend says to me as he leads me away from the birthing center.
"But I'm ready now" I say and blush looking away.
What's wrong with me?
I wonder as I write this and mean every word that has gone down on the screen staring back at me in black and white. I can't have a child in the enviroment I live in now, and with having my boyfriend in high school and me somewhere in between. Me not having my mentel illnesses handled yet, my cutting is still not perfectly under control, though I have not drawn blood from myself, I still have a razor. And I'm still unstable, I'm still broken. And I'm not suitable to raise a child right now, maybe in a few years.
Maybe when everything is better.
And I am someone that I am proud to be.
And I am proud enough of myself to become someone's mom.
I wasn't pregnant... Everything was better.
But a tiny part of me.
A part of me wanted to be pregnant.
"No that's stupid" I told myself.
I'm only eighteen.
My boyfriend is sixteen.
We're still in high school.
I'm living in a one room hotel.
How could I possibly even think about having a baby?
But my love for children.
And the idea of having a child didn't leave my heart and mind within the last few months.
Again, here I am in the midst of another pregnant scare.
Because I mixed up my birth control a few days ago and am not sure if taking the Friday pill at 2am Saturday morning counts as Friday night or not.
And then I wonder if I'm not pregnant.
And it's this easy for me to slip by pregnancy when I'm not trying.
What happens when I'm trying and it doesn't happen?
What if I can't have a baby?
What if I never get pregnant?
What if I can't....
But what if I'm pregnant now, I won't be able to give it up.
No matter if it's the size of a sea monkey or not.
I'm pro life, not pro choice even if it's my choice.
What if that baby wants a choice?
Oh God.... I've over thinking all of this.
And getting myself paranoid.
I'm so scared.
And the other day when I stood outside the birthing center in the hospital when I was suppose to be visiting my father, I just couldn't help but want to be in there on the other side, holding my baby. Bringing a life into this world, creating something special and not having anyone tell me that I messed up. But I know if I have a child now I will mess up.
"Don't worry Annie, one day we'll be ready" my boyfriend says to me as he leads me away from the birthing center.
"But I'm ready now" I say and blush looking away.
What's wrong with me?
I wonder as I write this and mean every word that has gone down on the screen staring back at me in black and white. I can't have a child in the enviroment I live in now, and with having my boyfriend in high school and me somewhere in between. Me not having my mentel illnesses handled yet, my cutting is still not perfectly under control, though I have not drawn blood from myself, I still have a razor. And I'm still unstable, I'm still broken. And I'm not suitable to raise a child right now, maybe in a few years.
Maybe when everything is better.
And I am someone that I am proud to be.
And I am proud enough of myself to become someone's mom.
Published 30th May 2012
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30th May 2012 3:36am
This is so poignantly sad, such a heart-wrenching tale of love and loss, of guilt and shame. Mental health is such an awful disease, regardless of which of the numerous conditions you actually suffer from, it takes your pride, your sense of worth away and leaves you emotionally destitute. Don't panic that you still retain a blade, the most important thing at the moment is that you haven't done any more damage to yourself. There will always be blades about and I can fully understand the need to keep one specially hidden, we all retain our own exit plans. The fact that you are/have been a cutter has no bearing whatsoever on your ability to be a mother - cutters are very insular with the damage they do and only very, very rarely inflict any pain on others. No one should judge your future by your past, especially as your past hasn't been yours to control rather being controlled by internal demons.
My love to you , sweet Lady, I hope that you stay safe and slowly rebuild a life. D xx
My love to you , sweet Lady, I hope that you stay safe and slowly rebuild a life. D xx
30th May 2012 2:09pm
The baby you seek won't be a baby forever. it will be happy that you decided to wait and create a better life for yours self as it gets older(when you do have a child). My mom was 19 yrs old and if she would of waited we would actually have the food and clothes my brother, her and I need. And a home for that matter. With just a GED my mom can't get a better job than a factory worker but she has ruined her back and can no longer provide so I no long live with her. I miss her so much, but they can't afford me.
Great write:)
Great write:)
