if you look hard enough...

 
you spend your whole life with someone
think you know them
but what percentage of your belief is real
& how much...illusion
created perhaps...
by the damage unintentionally inflicted
& it's the only remaining thing still coloring your view
all because...they hurt you
& now it's all you're willing to remember

it was a hard lesson...for sure
seeing from her side of reality
that kinda vision is painful
coming to terms with my own bias
my own fallible humanity

my mother was buttoned down so tight
nothing ever escaped
until the lid blew & you knew
you pushed one button too many
explosion rocking through you
then came the hostile silence
& eventual return to her version of normal
...cold & distant
like she was watching the world
from behind double pane glass

took most of my life to realize
she didn't know how to show love
...or give compliments
more importantly...how to receive them
because she'd only once been given reason
only to have it snatched back by death
of all people...I should have seen it

trust
...it always comes back to that 5 letter word
& it's illusive solidity

I observed...
through the pain of my self-righteous judgment
as my daughter mounted a campaign
determined to get to really know her
I foolishly resolved to be merely a passive witness
thinking I already knew...
but...I so didn't

I mean...shit...
like seeing a stranger unveiled
...into an alternate version of myself
& all the pieces suddenly fell into place
as layers were stripped away

we repeat the mistakes of our ancestors
unless we deliberately set another course
which I thought I'd done
but no...
I never had the full picture
how do you sketch a complete map
with only half the geography...
walking in circles sound familiar...?

okay...so I started over
...with her
I still don't truly know her...
...but my eyes are open now
...& I'm learning