deepundergroundpoetry.com
Spilt Vodkas
Her fake tan is rubbing off onto my jeans
helped on its way by countless spilt vodkas
this is no lipstick on the collar
sadly it’s just friendship
she’s crying that she’ll never be loved
that her drinking will kill her
that she’s going crazy
no different to any other girl on a Friday night
she’s already loved
but I’ll never make her spill vodkas
and that’s the drama she craves
all I can do is put my shot glass next to hers
rejection on a daily basis
even unsaid
is enough to kill a man’s soul
I tell her I have to go
she seems distressed
but it’s not borne from any longing desire
which is why I HAVE to go
and scrub the St Tropez from my denim.
helped on its way by countless spilt vodkas
this is no lipstick on the collar
sadly it’s just friendship
she’s crying that she’ll never be loved
that her drinking will kill her
that she’s going crazy
no different to any other girl on a Friday night
she’s already loved
but I’ll never make her spill vodkas
and that’s the drama she craves
all I can do is put my shot glass next to hers
rejection on a daily basis
even unsaid
is enough to kill a man’s soul
I tell her I have to go
she seems distressed
but it’s not borne from any longing desire
which is why I HAVE to go
and scrub the St Tropez from my denim.
Published 26th May 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
I like what this has to say. The emotions are conveyed well, though the title is a little misleading. The flow also cuts off in places, jarring the reader. IMHO some of the concepts could be expanded a little more, while still keeping the length and bluntness of your style. :)
Peace, Indie
Peace, Indie
26th May 2012 10:32am
Thanks for the comments, Indie. I wasn't 100% happy with this, so the feedback is useful.
27th May 2012 4:45pm
I very enjoyable write that I imagine many can relate to.
A wonderful piece. :)
A wonderful piece. :)
27th Jan 2013 7:16pm
Nice. No fancy. I like it that way. A lovely little sad, humble humour to the whole thing. Tasty opening line. The underone of a desperate man is kept over the horizon by the world's usualy display of pathetic. Good work.
