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Paranoia Diary: Entry III

I don't even cry this time when he says that they're taking him away from me again. I just, I do not see the point in crying. All I know is that I expected it this time. I expected them to take him away from me again. . . �That is why I am unsure if this is paranoia or just expecting the pain again. Expecting the happiness to be taken away because people like I do not deserve happines, we do not deserve to be loved and to feel safe even if is for one night. I do get to feel this way, I get to feel the emptiness of lost hope. I am Pandora when she closes the box after all the plagues and darkness have escaped, I have locked hope inside of my own box and there it shall live, forever. For I do not get to see hope, I am allowed a glimpse at it. But never the full understanding of it, I do not get to hold in my grasp before it vanishes completely. This is no longer paranoia but the simple rantings of a very sad girl going deeper and deeper into a darkened place of monsters and hatred. These people say that do not wish to punish me, but in the end I am the true on that suffers. They do not know the pain that one feels when they wish to drag the razors across their wrist. They do not know the pain one feels when the bell jar has completey come down once again, and it slams down so hard that it shatters and all of those bits of glass just look so tempting...

I shall not eat from the tree of knowledge, even though the forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest. But what other choice am I left? I am left nothing but darkness otherwise, paleness and I just wish to feel the sting of the razor, the air on the freshly opened skin, the feel of blood trickling down my arm, the joy of seeing the crimson madness draining from my soul. That is what I wish, and when the scars reappear... I will not feel sorry for I tried and tried and tried and tried....

But when you try, that's when the darkness wants you to fail.
And so you do.

"...For the rest of my life, no matter how hard I try I will always be haunted by the label of 'Suicidal Girl'. I will always be known as a cutter. And no matter how many times I try to stand up and change, people shall knock me down into the dreaded valley of knives and razor blades and just shakes their head when I remain sitting on the ground with blood dripping from my wrists..."

-Paige Isabelle Rider

Is it sad? That I do not wish him to ever leave my side because when he does, that's when I have to deal with the chance of not being able to see him. Maybe I have become dependent upon him but it isn't fair for a inmate being treated for their bloody madness to pushed once again to the brink of that madness.

Why am I not allowed to heal?