It Takes A Million Negative Thoughts

It takes so much conscious effort to have a few positive thoughts that become fleeting.

I want to give myself credit in a way many haven't.

And even though I'm still scared I have a victim mentality and scared that I'm making excuses, I know I'm a boss who takes care of herself and accepts that I need a comfortable life and that's why I'm still living here. I can handle it, and I will get out of my mom's. I will through the story, Free. I will become free by writing Free!

And even though I constantly worry that Josh can't love me and no one else ever will, I'm writing Free to show them that it wasn't all just in my head. I have to show them they don't own me, not even Josh. That they can't stop me from writing this beautiful tale. That I had a beautiful heart that was tarnished by other's voices.

And although I struggle to believe I'm right over my ex-friend Lenny who said I had a victim mentality for not feeling special to Josh, I know that I want to dish out the impossible- actual compassion for someone else. Listening without moralizing or making accusations.

My mother who may have more of a "victim mentality" than me even, I know she still cares deep down. I know there's a part of her that was tarnished too by the world and its cruelty. And she's still a part of me. The best parts of me. I understand how she feels, and I honor her for that.

I want to love myself past the labels that others have placed on me. I may think Lenny might be right to a degree, but his way of helping is patronizing at best. And it's not loving. It's not merciful. It feel as though he's just saying that to hurt me on purpose.

I never know if people are on my side or not. But I must believe in myself more than the labels people put on me.

No, I'm a brave, brave girl who will make herself known to the world.

And I will save lives.