Dear Self

Dear Self,

I'm so sorry that you have gone through so much pain, that all you wanted to do was violent things even when someone was nice to you.

I'm so sorry that you have gone through so much abuse yet you were never allowed to be the victim, the one truly wronged.

I'm so sorry people have treated you like a Savior when it was convenient for them but then the devil when you had needs.

I'm so sorry that you have learned such deep self-hatred that all you could do for years was hit yourself, thinking you were the problem and no one else. Thinking you were to blame, and no one else.

I'm so so sorry that you don't comment on YouTube because by now, you think your comment is too dark or your voice isn't worth hearing.

I'm so so sorry that you feel forever abandoned by Josh, a guy who you felt loved you so much. But you are codependent and have toxic behaviors that drive people away. By now, you feel as though nothing can ever be repaired, and trying with anyone new would mean lying to yourself and feeling so afraid that you'll be trapped in a marriage still loving Josh and regretting it all.

I'm so so so sorry that I'm scared to give you compassion because then that would mean that untangling the fears surrounding it. I'm scared I have a victim mentality. Scared I'm the villain who deserves the miserable ending. That I could never be loved. Never be allowed to taste joy ever again.

And I have no idea...no idea how to truly love or be loved when it's easier saying 'love is not in the cards for me" than accepting that the world doesn't have to be a scary place only.

It can be one of beauty, one of wonder.

But I'm shaking, shaking so badly from the idea all I can have is love that is far away.

I don't trust. And I don't trust that I deserve compassion.

Everyone made it out to be that it wasn't possible.

I'm crawling my way out of hell, and I have no idea where I'm going.