I Still Wanna Know Why

These Hell testimonies...are they accurate? Muslim seeing Jesus. Folks from other religions seeing Jesus. I just don't...I don't understand it. I've heard also that it seems random whether someone goes to "Hell" or not, and that their life circumstances determine their afterlife. But I don't know. I don't understand.

Christianity is the only religion it seems that talks about unconditional love; it feels so right yet so wrong.

Why does Jesus think I wanna be like the Christians who are eager to point out my sin and that I'm going to Hell rather than actually being compassionate and nonjudgmental?

I just want to be authentic. I want tell my dark stories in the most life giving way possible. Because that's genuinely important to me. I do not wish to be like the world. I wish to be apart from it genuinely, without the threat of Hell. I'm afraid more than anything that being a Christian will take away my right to be authentic. That I have to be another Karen complaining that there was nudity in a movie.

Please tell me there's more. This isn't enough for me. I need more.

Why do people who have a pure heart but respect themselves enough to not partake in a religion that's known to be hateful? Why are they bad? Why do they deserve Hell while the stupid Karens who check all the boxes get their free ticket in Heaven?

I know the Pharisees aren't well respected by Jesus. I get that, but that's how it feels.

Why do my friends who are almost all skeptics but have actually been there for me? Why do they deserve torment? While the goodie two shoes Christians gladly stick up their noses and go to Heaven?

I know, Jesus, I saw you in the hospital window that one day. I know I can see things outside my schizophrenia. I know that supposed Christian who was mean to me got demonically possessed and was in a Hell state. And yet you came to me. Me of all people.

I wanna know you're actually on my side and on Josh's side and all my friends who I love. And even my mother and my entire family.

I need to know love doesn't have to be so punishing.

That love can be truly free.