lucid dreams

sometimes it haunts me
the girl i used to be
the girl i couldn’t be
so glad that today it’s not me.

i wake up, terrified
stare at the ceiling, petrified
it always comes down at night
or when my life’s without light.

used to thrive on hatred
my vision became tainted
while my being felt sedated,
today my dreams are lucid.

it wasn’t me, but it was
lived for praise and applause
but never by your laws
i began so many new wars.

i should be sleeping
but my past has me weeping
in the end, i open up to feeling
like i don’t deserve softness, i‘m reeling

as i try to hold myself, yet i fall.