I Am That Horror Show

I was called out and rightfully so
I haven’t been myself
Which I see my actions show

I should be better than this
And cling to the good that I know exists within
but in my low, the devil attached to me
and trying to be polite
I opened myself to the carnage
And lately I’ve not been right

It’s sad to feel you wish me harm
but an angel can only take so much
I can feel the curse upon me
That anxious twisting in my guts

The past three months
have been brutal
creeping toward that milestone age,
and all those that I’ve loved
move so effortlessly
to another chapter, another stage

It’s hard to see it happen
So hard to wish them well,
When I feel that grip upon me
fighting off those flames of hell

I wish a private letter
Could help the bleeding stop,
But my attempts to try and send it,
reveal that I’ve been blocked

I will join them giving up on me
Because it’s best to not resist
And admit I fucked up royally
no vengeance followed by a kiss

I know I tried to dissuade you
And this was my deepest fear,
You’d grow to despise this boy inside
Not a man, as you made clear

I can’t blame you for the thoughts
I’m just as equally ashamed,
I take no pride in knowing
I took part in a senseless game

Sure, I got attention
but it also closed a door
one I wanted open
just to taste a little more

I’m sure you do not trust me
And I doubt you ever will,
The punishment keeps sinking in
My waning spirit, very ill

I pray I can turn myself around
And find the vibrancy that’s lost,
surrender might better serve me
absorbed by the dirt, the twigs and moss

But I’ll fight hard to struggle through
Desperate for any blessing,
for the lesson learned, as this spirit burns
with the devil, don’t go messin’

These measured years probably hit so hard
As my worth was never strong,
I guess this suffering is justified,
since I know that I was wrong

My shame will be the mask I wear
In the days and weeks ahead,
Take solace in the fact I’ve heard
every word you’ve clearly said.