deepundergroundpoetry.com
Sound of Madness
A curious thought occured to me quite recently about the idea of mental illness. How so many people... So many people that I have seen and spoken to, have lied about such dreadful diseases. It makes me sick really to think that somewhere in the world a child is suffering a mental disorder but because we have all these petty freaks that want some attention pretending to have this disease as a game.
How many people have lied about having a split personality?
And how many people have you known have used the excuse of being bipolar, or depressed when you try talking to them?
So every person in the world that's had something bad happen to them has a social disease?
I am sick of people out of the clear blue saying that there's something wrong with them. And that is why I am glad to stay clear of these people now, unless you have actual proof from a real psychologist and not just the school shrink I am not believing you about your mental disease you claim to have. For the simple face that I've heard it all too much already and it's just bullshit. One thing I can tell you about a mental disease, a person is not aware that they have it. It takes months and sometimes even years for a person to become aware of their mental illness. Because to them it is simply a way of life, a person could not warn you about their mental illness because they would be completly unaware of it. I have dabbled in psychology enough to know this. But these people.... These petty people that want some attention and sympathy have this sick need to believe there is something wrong with them. It's disturbing and menacing to those of us who do indeed have something wrong with us.
I was diagnosed with major depression.
And for the longest time I told no one about it.
When I did, I was told that I was self-diagnosing myself.
When my therapist was the one to have diagnosed me.
My therapist that has been working in this field for years.
Who works at an office and doesn't travel around from school to school, allowing her patients to beleive they have these diseases because it's better if they control the sessions.
Because I have actual proof about my disorder... I was the liar.
But one person can have (at the same time):
-Bipolar disorder
-Anorexia
-Multiple personality disorder
-ADHD
-Aspherger's Syndrome
-And the obsession with cutting themselves.
And whatever else this person decided to state that they have or give themselves so that people would bend over backwards to help them. It makes me sick now to know the I believed it, even thought at the same time I doubted it and was lying about believing it because I wanted them so badly to be telling the truth.... But my personal feelings aside, why is it that people that have NOTHING wrong with them have the right to say to someone that has a mental disorder that they are self-diagnosing themselves.
What are you doing?
"Do you really believe she has multiple personalities?"
I asked this question through tears to the school therapist, it was all the way back in December when I was sick with anger, betrayel and heartbreak over someone that didn't deserve my tears.
"I feel that it's better to let the kid control the sessions, I don't tell them what to do or anything. I just let them play it out."
Those tears she cried when she didn't understand how she'd gotten somewhere because one of her personalities had come out.
They were FAKE.
Those times that she pushed me and yelled at me and tried choking me (making me believe that she was someone else) were really her abusing me... Something but that times I should've been used to, but for some reason wasn't.
And I never once raised a hand to her.
Words are words... They never really happen.
I never once hurt her like she hurt me, not physically.
But I'm the bad guy for cheating... Don't forget that.
I'm bad for making her crack under the pressure of letting me date two people.
Even when I told her that her "problems" (the false ones that she made up) were becoming too much for me.
And that she is going to end up losing me if she was lying.
That didn't stop her.
Because she didn't want to keep me.
If she really did.
She wouldn't have lied.
And I wouldn't have cheated.
But because it wasn't meant to be.
Because she wasn't the one that I was ever suppose to be with.
That's why he always came into my life.
And to know that he believed in her lies as well as I.
Makes me not so much of a fool.
But since I've been with him.
I've gotten better.
And I hope that she's gotten worse.
I hope she has at least three of the disorders she pretended to have.
I hope her parents put her on fifty million different kinds of meds.
And not because she broke my heart.
Because she was the sound of madness.
Everytime she opened her mouth, nothing but delusions and nonsense spilled out, like blood from a wound.
It's better this way.
I am with him, someone who has never felt the pain of betrayel and abuse like I have.
She's with her, someone who has felt the pain of abuse because for some reason I do not call this one a liar.
She had no reason to lie to me, so I believe what she says about her past.
My past will remain whatever lies the girl in between decides to tell.
A victim & a hero.
A monster & a victim.
A curious thought occured to me quite recently about the idea of mental illness....
And that's why I'm afriad of it now.
My own scares me, as well as others.
Because the ones that say they don't have it are the ones that do.
And the ones they say they have it are the ones that don't.
The insanity is denied and lost inside ones own mind, only to be brought out after years of suffering and torture.
And that is the sound of madness.
How many people have lied about having a split personality?
And how many people have you known have used the excuse of being bipolar, or depressed when you try talking to them?
So every person in the world that's had something bad happen to them has a social disease?
I am sick of people out of the clear blue saying that there's something wrong with them. And that is why I am glad to stay clear of these people now, unless you have actual proof from a real psychologist and not just the school shrink I am not believing you about your mental disease you claim to have. For the simple face that I've heard it all too much already and it's just bullshit. One thing I can tell you about a mental disease, a person is not aware that they have it. It takes months and sometimes even years for a person to become aware of their mental illness. Because to them it is simply a way of life, a person could not warn you about their mental illness because they would be completly unaware of it. I have dabbled in psychology enough to know this. But these people.... These petty people that want some attention and sympathy have this sick need to believe there is something wrong with them. It's disturbing and menacing to those of us who do indeed have something wrong with us.
I was diagnosed with major depression.
And for the longest time I told no one about it.
When I did, I was told that I was self-diagnosing myself.
When my therapist was the one to have diagnosed me.
My therapist that has been working in this field for years.
Who works at an office and doesn't travel around from school to school, allowing her patients to beleive they have these diseases because it's better if they control the sessions.
Because I have actual proof about my disorder... I was the liar.
But one person can have (at the same time):
-Bipolar disorder
-Anorexia
-Multiple personality disorder
-ADHD
-Aspherger's Syndrome
-And the obsession with cutting themselves.
And whatever else this person decided to state that they have or give themselves so that people would bend over backwards to help them. It makes me sick now to know the I believed it, even thought at the same time I doubted it and was lying about believing it because I wanted them so badly to be telling the truth.... But my personal feelings aside, why is it that people that have NOTHING wrong with them have the right to say to someone that has a mental disorder that they are self-diagnosing themselves.
What are you doing?
"Do you really believe she has multiple personalities?"
I asked this question through tears to the school therapist, it was all the way back in December when I was sick with anger, betrayel and heartbreak over someone that didn't deserve my tears.
"I feel that it's better to let the kid control the sessions, I don't tell them what to do or anything. I just let them play it out."
Those tears she cried when she didn't understand how she'd gotten somewhere because one of her personalities had come out.
They were FAKE.
Those times that she pushed me and yelled at me and tried choking me (making me believe that she was someone else) were really her abusing me... Something but that times I should've been used to, but for some reason wasn't.
And I never once raised a hand to her.
Words are words... They never really happen.
I never once hurt her like she hurt me, not physically.
But I'm the bad guy for cheating... Don't forget that.
I'm bad for making her crack under the pressure of letting me date two people.
Even when I told her that her "problems" (the false ones that she made up) were becoming too much for me.
And that she is going to end up losing me if she was lying.
That didn't stop her.
Because she didn't want to keep me.
If she really did.
She wouldn't have lied.
And I wouldn't have cheated.
But because it wasn't meant to be.
Because she wasn't the one that I was ever suppose to be with.
That's why he always came into my life.
And to know that he believed in her lies as well as I.
Makes me not so much of a fool.
But since I've been with him.
I've gotten better.
And I hope that she's gotten worse.
I hope she has at least three of the disorders she pretended to have.
I hope her parents put her on fifty million different kinds of meds.
And not because she broke my heart.
Because she was the sound of madness.
Everytime she opened her mouth, nothing but delusions and nonsense spilled out, like blood from a wound.
It's better this way.
I am with him, someone who has never felt the pain of betrayel and abuse like I have.
She's with her, someone who has felt the pain of abuse because for some reason I do not call this one a liar.
She had no reason to lie to me, so I believe what she says about her past.
My past will remain whatever lies the girl in between decides to tell.
A victim & a hero.
A monster & a victim.
A curious thought occured to me quite recently about the idea of mental illness....
And that's why I'm afriad of it now.
My own scares me, as well as others.
Because the ones that say they don't have it are the ones that do.
And the ones they say they have it are the ones that don't.
The insanity is denied and lost inside ones own mind, only to be brought out after years of suffering and torture.
And that is the sound of madness.
Published 16th May 2012
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16th May 2012 7:58pm
Wow, I am in awe. It is a very rare thing to find a true sufferer that can write coherent sentiments and emotions and I can categorically say that I have never read anything as brutally honest as this. As you so eloquently pointed out, there are many, many people that pretend that they have suffered from mental Illness, but it is easy, especially on a writing site, to differentiate the truth from the openly, self-obsessed lies. No one true sufferer can ever say they fully understand another person - every case is similar but they are each quite singular events pertinent to the individual. I have read so many poems, so much prose, that has been written without even the slightest insight into the illness, the major trouble being that it somehow belittles the real suffers, the ones who find it so hard to express their true emotional scars - and ongoing situations.
You have written this with such eloquence, such articulation, such passion. I bow to your talent and salute your bravery. My thanks, as always, for sharing your prestigious writing
Much love and gratitude D xx
You have written this with such eloquence, such articulation, such passion. I bow to your talent and salute your bravery. My thanks, as always, for sharing your prestigious writing
Much love and gratitude D xx
