deepundergroundpoetry.com
Supine ruminations
It was that day:
When you told me my
stomach was your safe place.
It was that day.
I looked down, sick with desire,
straining against your attention
as, with eyes closed,
you reverently
kissed the lines
on my
abdomen,
and, almost in earnest,
rubbed your cheek against the
slight dip at my naval,
your arms wrapped all the way
around my body,
my back slightly arched under
your arms.
In that one moment we were still.
It was then I knew I was really fucked.
Because in the stillness,
I traced your face with my fingertips,
ran my hands through your hair
and fought the urge to
hide you from the world,
just for a moment.
As if you were the vulnerable one,
as if I could shield you.
When I look back on that day,
part of me is still again,
poetically stricken by the overwhelming emotions,
the futility of those soft feelings,
and enraptured by that moment
which captured me forever.
And part of me looks back
and screams...
run.
When you told me my
stomach was your safe place.
It was that day.
I looked down, sick with desire,
straining against your attention
as, with eyes closed,
you reverently
kissed the lines
on my
abdomen,
and, almost in earnest,
rubbed your cheek against the
slight dip at my naval,
your arms wrapped all the way
around my body,
my back slightly arched under
your arms.
In that one moment we were still.
It was then I knew I was really fucked.
Because in the stillness,
I traced your face with my fingertips,
ran my hands through your hair
and fought the urge to
hide you from the world,
just for a moment.
As if you were the vulnerable one,
as if I could shield you.
When I look back on that day,
part of me is still again,
poetically stricken by the overwhelming emotions,
the futility of those soft feelings,
and enraptured by that moment
which captured me forever.
And part of me looks back
and screams...
run.
Published 16th May 2012
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Oh my dear, such good things have I heard...
It was that day:
When you told me my
stomach was your safe place. (I'm not sure that you haven't made him sound like food?)
It was that day. (why did you change from the colon to the fullstop in this second verse?)
I looked down, sick with desire, (beautiful)
straining against your attention
as, with eyes closed,
you reverently
kissed the lines
on my
abdomen; (why the semi-colon?)
In that one moment we were still.
It was then I knew I was really fucked. (here is a place for a semi-colon perhaps, as the sentence has not ended)
Because in the stillness,
I traced your face with my fingertips,
ran my hands through your hair
and fought the urge
hide you from the world, (a 'to' missing)
just for a moment.
And part of me looks back
and screams...
run. (solid little ending. Well done in the build-up, and the small boom-crash ending. Many women (and probably many of those dullards; men) have looked back on our relationships and realised we never stood a chance, so good for you on plowing ground your reader will empathise with)
Naturally these opinions are only mine, and you should/may/will take and leave to suit you eyes.
Passingon.
It was that day:
When you told me my
stomach was your safe place. (I'm not sure that you haven't made him sound like food?)
It was that day. (why did you change from the colon to the fullstop in this second verse?)
I looked down, sick with desire, (beautiful)
straining against your attention
as, with eyes closed,
you reverently
kissed the lines
on my
abdomen; (why the semi-colon?)
In that one moment we were still.
It was then I knew I was really fucked. (here is a place for a semi-colon perhaps, as the sentence has not ended)
Because in the stillness,
I traced your face with my fingertips,
ran my hands through your hair
and fought the urge
hide you from the world, (a 'to' missing)
just for a moment.
And part of me looks back
and screams...
run. (solid little ending. Well done in the build-up, and the small boom-crash ending. Many women (and probably many of those dullards; men) have looked back on our relationships and realised we never stood a chance, so good for you on plowing ground your reader will empathise with)
Naturally these opinions are only mine, and you should/may/will take and leave to suit you eyes.
Passingon.
16th May 2012 12:31pm
Holy damn, amazing review.
He is food, passington. Metaphorical manna... but I see what you mean.
The first semi-colon switch was actually intentional. Started off in storytelling mode. I wanted to force a stop. Sort of foreshadow the subsequent devastation.
Didn't work, huh? Meh.
The semicolon... blatant error, as the missing 'to.'
Again, that last semicolon suggestion is a good one, and it'd be accurate. But I so wanted to stop forward movement for a minute.
Whathcha think? Can I get away with fixing two of the five?
By the way... AWESOME review. You rock. Thank you bunches!
He is food, passington. Metaphorical manna... but I see what you mean.
The first semi-colon switch was actually intentional. Started off in storytelling mode. I wanted to force a stop. Sort of foreshadow the subsequent devastation.
Didn't work, huh? Meh.
The semicolon... blatant error, as the missing 'to.'
Again, that last semicolon suggestion is a good one, and it'd be accurate. But I so wanted to stop forward movement for a minute.
Whathcha think? Can I get away with fixing two of the five?
By the way... AWESOME review. You rock. Thank you bunches!
excellence. anything that might have begun to sound like cliche was transformed into a new idea, a new feeling. beautiful work. i have a feeling i will *always* be jealous of your words, woman!
16th May 2012 12:32pm
Betty
Ah! Here I am again. And we have
a fine piece of writing here.
Passingon has really taken care
of business. I would just like to
add.
'In that one moment we were still.
It was then I knew I was really fucked.'
Wow.:)
'and fought the urge
hide you from the world,'
Like pointed before, 'to' is amiss.
A very powerful end. As it should be. Ninjaesque.
Suggestions:
'Stomach' could be replaced with 'womb'.
Will be much more effective. I always
want to end up inside the womb of my
woman. THE safest place.
And
Kill the punctuation. Slaughter.
JMHO, of course.
Write on,
Sumeet
Ah! Here I am again. And we have
a fine piece of writing here.
Passingon has really taken care
of business. I would just like to
add.
'In that one moment we were still.
It was then I knew I was really fucked.'
Wow.:)
'and fought the urge
hide you from the world,'
Like pointed before, 'to' is amiss.
A very powerful end. As it should be. Ninjaesque.
Suggestions:
'Stomach' could be replaced with 'womb'.
Will be much more effective. I always
want to end up inside the womb of my
woman. THE safest place.
And
Kill the punctuation. Slaughter.
JMHO, of course.
Write on,
Sumeet
16th May 2012 12:35pm
I value your opinion, Sumeet, big time. I'm always flattered that you took the time to review in such detail.
I think I'll leave it stomach, it was a direct quote.
Ninjaesque...SO MUCH AWESOME. Love the word.
Again, thanks.
I think I'll leave it stomach, it was a direct quote.
Ninjaesque...SO MUCH AWESOME. Love the word.
Again, thanks.
