deepundergroundpoetry.com
QUESTIONS ? (8-9-1996; Galveston Island Texas)
questions
it s time for action
last chance
for my strength and hope
have already flown
where is the energy
to move my good
out into this much greater
larger world around
and beyond me here
where i am presently
puzzling over vehicles
in which i can either choose
or not
to continue using
my same old shame and fear based
dysfunctional discretion
or maybe now at much too long last
try something else
all together
completely different
something much more spirit driven
to consciously try setting aside
letting go of and completely discarding
all that which no longer serves me
nor my spiritual growth
of all that which i now know
does not belong on my current
soul mission s life journey s path
that does not and no longer honors me
nor my life s true higher purpose s calling
by more openly and freely
from this moment on
acknowledging my truth
through even the sharing of both
the good and the bad alike
including all the dark ugly shadows
of my life s path
up to this point where i m now presently at
through sharing in perhaps even
shocking honesty at times
my life s greater sum story
of wholeness
in which there are so many
countless pages
filled with purged inner true tales
of both my innate higher light
as well as most of the darkest
black night s of my soul
of my true whole
along with too many filled
with the unresolved
personal conflicts and confusions
from all the subversive
inner and outer rebellions
of my surprisingly resilient body mind heart
spirit and soul
each at numerous times along the way
having sought and tried to overthrow
any and all forms of oppressive
so called authority affecting me directly
in hopes of trying to find
and trying to define
my own core spiritual truths
for me myself
alone
perhaps i should set aside
all those darker pages
secretly confine them in immobile bundles
to hide them away from reach and sight
of other human hands and eyes
out of trepid shame and fear
of both possible acceptance
or possible rejection as well
each still so terrifyingly alike
to me at this time
so fearfully afraid
of what other s might think or judge
so perhaps those old fears alone
are reason and justification enough
to go ahead and openly share
and freely reveal it all
the entire whole bigger picture
the dark and the light
the good and the bad
all part and parcel of my much greater
much larger much broader
essential true nature
as a hopeful step towards
greater self emancipation
through such an act
of transcendently higher
soul liberation
in my slow ongoing life long journey
into and through sharing
such shameless deeply personal
fearless open honesty
here
where at this time
so much has changed in my life
through all my personal struggles
big and small
where i now once again
am standing at the crux
of yet another new crossroads here
where i m now finally ready and willing
to let go of and completely give up
for lack of just the right words
even more of my self defeating old ways
in trusting my by now
barely flickering hopes
that a better way can still be found
but regardless of that
and in any and either case
i now feel compelled
at this point tonight
to make the conscious choice
to release and share the true light
of all my far too long well hidden
fearfully silenced self imprisoned
incarcerated words
and of all my similarly too long hidden
intentionally away from reach or sight
years and decades of all my
creatively expressed spilled artworks as well
which were quite literally channelled
subconsciously through
the collaborative inspiration of spirit
and my collective life s experience
for they to me
at this phase of my present life s
soul journey s ongoing evolution education
seem as long caged birds
yearning to finally fly freely unfettered
at so painfully very long last
to allow my very soul to soar
so much higher in joy
above and beyond all this down here
in seeking and finding it s
highest true dignity
so as to better be able
to more fully live and manifestively fulfill
it s true soul mission s destiny
here in this 3 d physical temporal
only illusory world
in which and wherein i realize now
that all my poetry s countless words
and all my artwork s lifetime creative spills
can have no true nor lasting meaning
can have nor serve no deeper
beneficial purpose at all
towards the greater good for all
if i allow them all to continue to lie unseen unshared unfelt unknown to no one but myself alone
in darkness just as i have always done
secretly all hidden away
for so many lightless decades
in paper grocery bags and cardboard boxes
up in the tops of too many dark musty closets
to count
or discreetly hid away
slid arms length deep
beneath way too many
of my many different sleeping beds
i ve had and so restlessly slept in
oer all these many now long lapsed years
and yet here right now this moment
where i ve only just now finally come
to more fully realize
that if i let them continue to lay unshared
forgotten and abandoned
any longer here
like useless scattered
lifeless fallen feathers
that would only be and reflectively represent
a total waste of so much of my life s precious time
as my remaining unknown time here
upon this wondrous living earth
continues to ever increasingly
and undeniably
now be
so rapidly running out
so the time has come at last
for me to fearlessly and shamelessly
hold my head high and finally at so very long last
more fully and freely come out
for all my many countless self expressions
in artworks i ve created
in my written words s poems
my thoughts feelings and dreams
can have nor hold any true value
nor more purposeful significant meaning
if they never reach nor touch
the eyes ears minds and senses
the hearts spirits and souls
of other living human being s eternal souls
so i have decided here tonight
to simply just let it all go
freely back out into this living universe
in hopes that something of my truer wholer
spirit and soul s and my present still living
only temporal physical being s
much greater transcendent innate
higher love light and eternal life s
truer truest ineffable sacred truth
may be more freely shared and resonantly felt
experienced learned and gained
through it s creatively expressed
mysteriously channelled set free flight
from out of it s recently abandoned darkness
subconsciously mined and mysteriously gleaned
from out of the intricate weave
of it s and my own lifetime s
long strange innermost experiential journey s
hopefully now permanently abandoned
newly forgiven previous long sunken
hopeless old darkness s unawakened
seemingly inescapable
innermost outermost
not truly living at all
nightmarishly stuck limbo s
slow death by ten million cuts
decades long sustained prolonged
perpetually relentless struggles
of my long wearied long sickened ghost s
day s night s and life s
seemingly never ending
timelessly extended
dark night of my soul s very own
night of the living dead
dead man walking s
necessary life lesson s
transcendently transformational
soul mission s journey
still presently ongoing here
even at this point in it s and my own
essential continued unfoldment
which presently here now
in the very least
may now allow me
the full release of my free spirited soul s
open greater truth s wholeness
whose creative birds of my true inner sight s insights
may fly more broadly and freely now
with unsoiled completely unfettered
fearlessly joyous wings
of all healing all loving light
to more freely share with any and all
who are open and ready
and willing in their hearts
to filter take and receive them
to help uplift and vibrationally quicken
their own present lifetime s
deeper spiritual journey s
transformationally transcendent
eventual further awakening s unfoldment
to hopefully more easily
more quickly come
but light out of darkness
how can that ever be or come
sounds so impossible
which is an archaic word
i so seldom if ever use anymore
much even believe in at all
for the only true answer
to that question
and to all other such
mystifying questions
can only come in and through
the actual conscious act and actions
of openly and more fully living out
experientially exploring and discovering
it s gradual incremental
eventual inevitable
ever unfolding full answering
of that question
much as is done like in and akin to
the more deeply reflective
meditative
clear simple answering
of any traditional old riddle like
cryptic sounding zen buddhist koan
in which the koan s answer
so often lies and exists
covertly hid quietly within
the cryptic heart essence
of the koan s
deceptively simple
question itself
wherein quite frequently
it increasingly seems
to me here lately
both on and to
a much deeper
philosophical level
and degree
that whatever question
i may be asking myself
at any given moment
just as often as not
surprisingly contains
and is
in and of itself
the answer
which
i seek
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