mental health

 
seeing you smile while you ache in the cold breaks my heart
ending before there was a beginning I was finally getting to know your soul
I felt you coming closer to my sacred sanctuary

losing myself in your honesty
it was indifferent at first like you expected the worst of me
and when I offered you my best impression of what the world likes
you were honest and harsh

that surprised me you wanted the authentic me
that took me aback I was nervous about being bare in front of you
I sat back and watched you from my periphery

being as black as smoke so thick with it
it was hard to tell what was me or the madness I was experiencing
I thought that was it for us I didn't even think you read me
I was lost in a maze and everyone loved it
the more twisted the better the response

then finally the smoke cleared and I realized you were still important
I started writing differently because my mindset was different
not popular anymore but my writing is always authentic to what I feel

somewhere inside me always comes back to you
inside my madness bane somehow I remember I am hurting you
because you care about me as a person

a very rare thing in this world especially since my personality rotates
it is a very unsettling thing to know your mindset is different
every time I have to adjust and wonder where the other part of me went

so I patiently wait until I'm more myself and say hello to you
it's very difficult and I worry you've given up on me most people do
the insanity is daunting and I can never guess when it's coming
and what will the delusions be

I care about you because just with your presence is comforting
it makes me sad to know if it wasn't for that you might like me
I guess my soul was meant to go it alone
because no one can get in when I get psychotic and the worst part is I'm mean

I really try to reel it in I pray God guards my mind and mouth
it hurts to know you have to continuously rebuild relationships
and know in a lot of ways you can't
at the psych ward they treat you like a criminal it just sucks