Early doors.

 Got to the pub at the usual time,got a lager and two whiskey chasers.
Sat at the table where i usually sit,it was full of the usual faces.
There was big Ron Hanks, who borrows money out of banks,
in a ski mask with  sawn off gun.
But he never spends the cash on buying drinks and looking flash,
he bought a stairlift for his dear old mum.
Young Joe`s no mug,playing banjo in the snug,
for the locals,getting tips in a jar.
He`ll bore the new faces,with his dreams of going places,
but he never gets further than the bar.
Old John Hopper,thirty years as a copper,
braggs he never took a bribe in his life.
But he got two years,`cos when he had too many beers,
he had a habit of beating up his wife.
Mad dog Dalglish,always fighting with police,
he never let a chance go past.
Up in court for assault,he claimed it wasn`t all his fault,
he was addicted to the c.s. gas.
There`s old Shirl,she`s a phone sex girl,
all her punters think she`s twenty one and cute.
She says im sixty five years old,and it`s nice to work from home,
while she`s working she watches Emerdale on mute.
There`s hippy Matt,grows weed in his flat,
his gears known for quality,far and wide.
He says his memory can`t be trusted,
since the day he got busted,and he ate three ounce before they got inside.
I`d rather spend my time,with this motley group of mine,
than spend it with the cafe bar bores.
You`ll never catch me slurping oysters,with royalty up in cloisters.
But you can join me for a swift one,early doors.