she never said she loved me

She never said she loved me.

My mother shone when she spoke of my brother
he was the firstborn when the world was magical
she loved him and did not tolerate any criticism
of his behavior
I, the younger son, was often ill and sent away 
to a children's home and later to a farm for me
it was beneficial, my health recovered, but I was
the absent child
He died relatively young, and his mother was devastated 
think she never overcame her grief.
I later asked her and later regretted asking her
if she had a choice, whom would she prefer to
die first me or my brother
She didn't want anyone's death, but she didn't
know me since I was always absent
at the farm in the morning, leaning my head 
against a cow's womb, I wished my mother would 
love as much as she loved my brother
I joined the merchant fleet; when returning 
I flung my arms around and told her I loved her
That's nice, she said and asked if I wanted coffee
She never said; I love you, son, only thing
in the world, I had wanted her to say