I Ain't It

I never knew if you existed;
I still don't.
I wanted to believe,
but these days, I can't even pray.
 
I'm reminded of how I don't measure up
You say don't be unequally yoked;
Well, fuck you, only the skeptics are there for me.
You say don't sleep before marriage;
again, fuck you, ain't believing in that Puritanical bullshit.
If you want me to give you a laundry list,
I have hampers full of reasons
this just ain't cutting it.
 
What do you even want, Jesus?
Do you want me to tape my mouth
and play the nice girl,
like I've done all my life?
The girl who never steps out of line
and becomes the next Karen
who whines about everything,
gets offended by everything...?
 
I can't.
I can't even step foot in a church anymore,
can't fucking do it.
 
I can't play make pretend
and make believe.
But I guess that's what you want me to do.
You want me to pretend I believe things I actually don't.
Go love your people
because I ain't it.
I will never be it.
 
I never knew if you existed;
I still don't.
I wanted to believe,
but these days, I can't even pray.
 
You say faith without works is dead...
I've been dead to this long ago...
I have nothing left to give to a way of living that sounds god awful.