deepundergroundpoetry.com
PSI
So in doing some research I come to realize I have PSI
Passive Suicidal Ideation
Basically, that means I want to die
But
I do not want to be the cause
I am unwilling to carry out the act myself
I hope for bad things to hsppen to me
Like a fatal car accident
A random shooting
An uncurable disease that will result in my death
A heart attack
Being struck by lightning
Anything that will result in my death
That I can feel no guilt about
See thats where the line between active and passive lies
There are two major reasons why someone might be passive
Both having to do with their personalities
The first is whether or not someone is naturally inclined
Meaning that they lean towards violence
They have a capacity towards inflicting physical violence
I do not
There were times in my life when I did
When I was younger
When I didn't have an appreciation for the value
Of human life
So, why didn't I kill myself back then?
I certainly have been feeling this way most of my life
Reason number 2
Not wanting to be a burden to other people
People I care about
People I love
Not wanting my death to hurt them
Cause them pain
I live, not because I want to
Rather because others want me to
So, all day long I live a life I don't want to
While wishing for a way out that is not my fault
PSI is similar to intrusive thoughts
But there is a major difference
They both come randomly and uncontrolled
The difference is that intrusive thoughts are negative
Meaning
When an intrusive thought occurs
Such as a car accident
It causes repulsion and fear
It causes you to be more aware in order to avoid this outcome
With PSI
That same thought about a car accident is welcomed
Desired and hoped for
A best case scenario
Comforting
Passive Suicidal Ideations are not an indicator of level of depression
You can be just as much or more depressed than someome who is active
It is determined by the factors I mentioned
Rather than the severity of the depression
I push people away because I don't want to be a burden
That is one of the factors that keeps me alive
Keeps me passive
Feeling as though your being alive is a burden on others
Is a contributing factor to a transition
From passive to active
There are 2 immediate reasons why you have the ideations
But they both feel like there is a hole inside you
An empty space where good feelings should be
But they don't exist
There is a hollow that aches
The first is that there is some kind of mental health disorder
PTSD, chemical imbalance, bipolar etc.
The second is that the hole is literal
Something is missing from your life
Your life is incomplete
You are not living up to your potential
Not using gifts that you may have
The first can be addressed through therapy and meds
The second must be addressed internally
You must establish what is missing
You must find what you are missing
For me, I believe that both reasons are true
Both causes
I dont know exactly what that means yet
But at least I have a better working understanding
As to why living feels like a punishment
Why I want to die every second of every day
Why I don't actually go through with it
Why death feels like a blessing
Like my only possibilty for relief
I write about death and suicide
Because in my writes
I can kill myself
They are my hopes
My dreams
My aspirations
Passive Suicidal Ideation
Basically, that means I want to die
But
I do not want to be the cause
I am unwilling to carry out the act myself
I hope for bad things to hsppen to me
Like a fatal car accident
A random shooting
An uncurable disease that will result in my death
A heart attack
Being struck by lightning
Anything that will result in my death
That I can feel no guilt about
See thats where the line between active and passive lies
There are two major reasons why someone might be passive
Both having to do with their personalities
The first is whether or not someone is naturally inclined
Meaning that they lean towards violence
They have a capacity towards inflicting physical violence
I do not
There were times in my life when I did
When I was younger
When I didn't have an appreciation for the value
Of human life
So, why didn't I kill myself back then?
I certainly have been feeling this way most of my life
Reason number 2
Not wanting to be a burden to other people
People I care about
People I love
Not wanting my death to hurt them
Cause them pain
I live, not because I want to
Rather because others want me to
So, all day long I live a life I don't want to
While wishing for a way out that is not my fault
PSI is similar to intrusive thoughts
But there is a major difference
They both come randomly and uncontrolled
The difference is that intrusive thoughts are negative
Meaning
When an intrusive thought occurs
Such as a car accident
It causes repulsion and fear
It causes you to be more aware in order to avoid this outcome
With PSI
That same thought about a car accident is welcomed
Desired and hoped for
A best case scenario
Comforting
Passive Suicidal Ideations are not an indicator of level of depression
You can be just as much or more depressed than someome who is active
It is determined by the factors I mentioned
Rather than the severity of the depression
I push people away because I don't want to be a burden
That is one of the factors that keeps me alive
Keeps me passive
Feeling as though your being alive is a burden on others
Is a contributing factor to a transition
From passive to active
There are 2 immediate reasons why you have the ideations
But they both feel like there is a hole inside you
An empty space where good feelings should be
But they don't exist
There is a hollow that aches
The first is that there is some kind of mental health disorder
PTSD, chemical imbalance, bipolar etc.
The second is that the hole is literal
Something is missing from your life
Your life is incomplete
You are not living up to your potential
Not using gifts that you may have
The first can be addressed through therapy and meds
The second must be addressed internally
You must establish what is missing
You must find what you are missing
For me, I believe that both reasons are true
Both causes
I dont know exactly what that means yet
But at least I have a better working understanding
As to why living feels like a punishment
Why I want to die every second of every day
Why I don't actually go through with it
Why death feels like a blessing
Like my only possibilty for relief
I write about death and suicide
Because in my writes
I can kill myself
They are my hopes
My dreams
My aspirations
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