Debilitated

I've been disabled for a long time now. Since I was 23 years old. The social security people knew something was wrong when I was going to the psych ward multiple times in a row all due to losing a guy who wasn't worth a damn.  
   
The doctor at the hospital diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder in 2016 and about 2 or 3 other things. I was finally being able to put a name to my issues although at the time, I didn't really know what it all meant. I just know I felt like a cause no longer worth fighting for.  
   
Even before I became disabled, jobs never came easily to me. What was so easy for everyone else had been the most crippling thing for me.  
   
Nothing smells questioning this life so much like my past job as a sales associate and knowing nothing about sales. I am literally dumbfounded by this world. People often point out how smart I am, but for someone so fricking smart, I do not understand this life. Perhaps it's the people who don't think about this life too hard who have an instinctive understanding. They're like robots, knowing the exact answer to everything, but not understanding the heart of what I'm truly saying.  
   
I'm saying I don't get it. Why does money even exist in the first place? Fuck if I know. Seems like a selfish ploy to be able to say "Haha, I'm better than you. Also, you don't deserve anything unless you can afford X, Y, Z."  
   
Why exactly do we have to spend so much fucking time in school just so we can later be thrown to the wolves even when we're not ready to be eaten?  
   
Like I said, you're asking the wrong, wrong person.  
   
I'm telling you that there's not one thing I do not fucking question in this life.  
   
You'd probably ask if I'm high right now, and sadly...sadly, I'm not.  
   
I could even ask the more taboo questions. Like why is wearing clothes required? What makes nudity so bad, and why are we so aware of everything to the point where there would be a requirement in the first place?  
   
Like I said, I don't know. Even with the answers I've received about these types of questions, I'm still fucking lost. I feel like a little kid in awe of everything around me and constantly asking why until I annoy everyone around me...  
   
I'm never gonna get an answer that truly satisfies my thirst for more.  
   
I'm lost in a robotic world where i feel like I'm one of the only ones who cannot function. Cannot compute. I'm going against my own programming.  
   
Call me immature, but I always thought of people who are overly focused on their career as excruciatingly boring. Anytime I'd hear them introduce themselves in a college class or elsewhere, I'd always notice the life drained from their voice.  
   
Always hated that heartless, monotone voice coming from professionals. Especially on the fucking phone. Aw, that's sweet. You only care about the money I can give? Aw, how fucking sweet.  
   
I've gone before too many times without speaking to such people even if I've needed to. Because maybe the only people I want to talk to aren't demanding anything out of me.  
   
That was a primary factor as to why I quit college. Hated calling the financial aid office and asking them questions. Especially the women who would answer the phone. Hated their plastic Karen voice. Always imagining their overly sprayed hair surrounding their old, worn out face. Always made me feel like I was a fucking alien.  
   
I'll admit that I would get some satisfaction in punching them in the damn face. Seeing their facade of perfection shatter before their eyes.  
   
Past this point,  I don't really know what else to say.  
   
But yeah, I probably...I probably should get some sleep...