Rehab diaries #4

TRIGGER WARNING: domestic violence references
 
The first time I saw him  
he was smashing the rehab payphone  
against the wall  
 
He intrigued me  
even now I couldn't tell you why  
one look at him and I was hooked  
he was in my head  
his dark gaze under my skin  
 
It didn't occur to me to take  
that small act of violence  
as a red flag  
in that hell hole  
we were all walking red flags  
 
I befriended him after  
experience number 1
 
He wasn't freaked out by the fresh  
cut marks on my arms  
only curious  
 
I read his tarot cards in the dining room  
 
I fucked him  
to try and erase the rape from my body
I didn't want Uncle to be the last person  
to have been inside me  
 
This simmering, quiet man  
was a beautiful bad boy  
fucked up in all the right ways  
and all the wrong ones  
and I loved him for his scars  
 
He didn't love me but promised he did  
along with all his other pretty lies  
like he would leave his girlfriend  
on the outside for someone like me  
 
He loved the way my hair smelt  
and the feel of my cunt when we fucked  
he was the closest thing I had to heaven  
and he knew how to break me  
knew how to erase me  
turn everyone against me  
until I carved his name deep into my thigh
which both scared him and turned him on  
 
I knew he held violence  
tightly coiled inside himself
and while he never hit me  
it didn't stop him from slamming me  
into a wall so hard it left me with bruises
 
There was a part of me wanted
him to hit me  
because it's the only way  
I thought I could walk away  
the threat of violence  
not enough for me to leave  
though he once described to me  
in detail how he would kill me  
and his other girlfriend  
before turning it into a joke  
about how I wasn't worth killing  
because I'd probably like the pain
 
It tainted what was left of us
 
For two months I managed to stay sober  
before he got me to sneak him in drugs  
when I was out on day leave  
and his mother snuck him in  
something to drink  
 
He got me drunk on rum  
and I ended up smashing a chair  
against a fence perilously close  
to Uncle's head  
after he tried to convince me  
I'd picked the wrong man  
 
I almost lost my placement  
but got put on lock down instead  
no more drinking, no more drugs  
 
I still got kicked out anyway  
when they found my beautiful bad boy  
hiding in my closet after we had to quickly  
stop fucking while the dorm warden  
did his nightly rounds  
 
They let me stay until I found a room  
in a youth shelter  
 
Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant  
 
He's never met his daughter  
by his own choice