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Rehab diaries #4
TRIGGER WARNING: domestic violence references
The first time I saw him
he was smashing the rehab payphone
against the wall
He intrigued me
even now I couldn't tell you why
one look at him and I was hooked
he was in my head
his dark gaze under my skin
It didn't occur to me to take
that small act of violence
as a red flag
in that hell hole
we were all walking red flags
I befriended him after
experience number 1
He wasn't freaked out by the fresh
cut marks on my arms
only curious
I read his tarot cards in the dining room
I fucked him
to try and erase the rape from my body
I didn't want Uncle to be the last person
to have been inside me
This simmering, quiet man
was a beautiful bad boy
fucked up in all the right ways
and all the wrong ones
and I loved him for his scars
He didn't love me but promised he did
along with all his other pretty lies
like he would leave his girlfriend
on the outside for someone like me
He loved the way my hair smelt
and the feel of my cunt when we fucked
he was the closest thing I had to heaven
and he knew how to break me
knew how to erase me
turn everyone against me
until I carved his name deep into my thigh
which both scared him and turned him on
I knew he held violence
tightly coiled inside himself
and while he never hit me
it didn't stop him from slamming me
into a wall so hard it left me with bruises
There was a part of me wanted
him to hit me
because it's the only way
I thought I could walk away
the threat of violence
not enough for me to leave
though he once described to me
in detail how he would kill me
and his other girlfriend
before turning it into a joke
about how I wasn't worth killing
because I'd probably like the pain
It tainted what was left of us
For two months I managed to stay sober
before he got me to sneak him in drugs
when I was out on day leave
and his mother snuck him in
something to drink
He got me drunk on rum
and I ended up smashing a chair
against a fence perilously close
to Uncle's head
after he tried to convince me
I'd picked the wrong man
I almost lost my placement
but got put on lock down instead
no more drinking, no more drugs
I still got kicked out anyway
when they found my beautiful bad boy
hiding in my closet after we had to quickly
stop fucking while the dorm warden
did his nightly rounds
They let me stay until I found a room
in a youth shelter
Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant
He's never met his daughter
by his own choice
The first time I saw him
he was smashing the rehab payphone
against the wall
He intrigued me
even now I couldn't tell you why
one look at him and I was hooked
he was in my head
his dark gaze under my skin
It didn't occur to me to take
that small act of violence
as a red flag
in that hell hole
we were all walking red flags
I befriended him after
experience number 1
He wasn't freaked out by the fresh
cut marks on my arms
only curious
I read his tarot cards in the dining room
I fucked him
to try and erase the rape from my body
I didn't want Uncle to be the last person
to have been inside me
This simmering, quiet man
was a beautiful bad boy
fucked up in all the right ways
and all the wrong ones
and I loved him for his scars
He didn't love me but promised he did
along with all his other pretty lies
like he would leave his girlfriend
on the outside for someone like me
He loved the way my hair smelt
and the feel of my cunt when we fucked
he was the closest thing I had to heaven
and he knew how to break me
knew how to erase me
turn everyone against me
until I carved his name deep into my thigh
which both scared him and turned him on
I knew he held violence
tightly coiled inside himself
and while he never hit me
it didn't stop him from slamming me
into a wall so hard it left me with bruises
There was a part of me wanted
him to hit me
because it's the only way
I thought I could walk away
the threat of violence
not enough for me to leave
though he once described to me
in detail how he would kill me
and his other girlfriend
before turning it into a joke
about how I wasn't worth killing
because I'd probably like the pain
It tainted what was left of us
For two months I managed to stay sober
before he got me to sneak him in drugs
when I was out on day leave
and his mother snuck him in
something to drink
He got me drunk on rum
and I ended up smashing a chair
against a fence perilously close
to Uncle's head
after he tried to convince me
I'd picked the wrong man
I almost lost my placement
but got put on lock down instead
no more drinking, no more drugs
I still got kicked out anyway
when they found my beautiful bad boy
hiding in my closet after we had to quickly
stop fucking while the dorm warden
did his nightly rounds
They let me stay until I found a room
in a youth shelter
Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant
He's never met his daughter
by his own choice
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