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One Last Sin

 
The light in the closet
Begins blinking and dims
I donít own a Bible
But I know that Iíve sinned

I do it so much
All the lies that I tell
Iím breaking inside
In this body I sell

The moneyís on the counter
And my heart is on the floor
How did I let myself get here?
His secret dirty whore

He pays me more than others
So much so, now itís just him
He pays me to be his now
Only his and so we sin

I grew up in a household
With Jesus in every room
My parents think the things I do
Will bring me to my doom

This job it pays for school
Keeps my child off the streets
Pays for groceries and braces
But my heart I had to keep

Itís what I want to give away
After all this time together
But he didnít want it given to
Made me sign things in a letter

I signed an obligation
Iím with him and no one else
My job to be a student now
Then at night I give myself

He was my obligation
And I reveled in the sex
The moments became special ones
So much shit that I confessed

I hear the conversations
The power that he holds
That powerís taken over me
To the devil sold my soul

I wasnít supposed to fall in love
To him Iím just employed
Heís filled with lust, when itís just us
His presence fills a void

He warned me not to fall in love
Itís business, nothing more
The kisses and the cuddling
Those moments, theyíre paid for

I tell him of my studies
Serve him snacks naked in bed
He works late on his laptop
When heís done, I give him head

The visits now less frequent
Days pass and thereís less texts
The calls die down to weekly
And like clockwork comes the check

I promised not to cling to him
Not to question where he goes
But Iím dying as Iím losing him
Because heís leaving, this I know

Tonight the mood is different
He hasnít said to me a word
Heís drinking, weíre in silence
Downing whiskey, itís his third

He stands there as he faces me
Slams the glass against the wall
I cower in the corner
Watch his blood drip as he falls

I run over as I nurse a cut
Itís superficial, not too deep
Iíve never seen him cry before
Tears spill down as now he weeps

He looks up and he tilts his head
Grabs my chin in his right hand
ďI have to tell you something
And I hope you understand

Tonight I got engaged
Please let me speak, and please donít fight
Itís business, itís a business deal
Her family paid a priceĒ

He looks up as a tear breaks free
ďYouíll never have to work
Ive made sure to take care of you
To make you know youíre worth

I have to break it off now
And itís not what I want to do
I know that Iíll be miserable
Cause the truth is I love you

You helped me through my darkest times
This is something you donít know
I watched you dance for all those men
Saw the same darkness take its toll

I had you fill an emptiness
One I didnít know I had
I cherished every moment
Without you my moments sad

Iíve never felt a love like this
But I question it, itís depth?
Youíve done this so much more before
So many others in this bed

So I spiraled the more I knew you
Because youíre all I ever wanted
But I knew you and others did too
The ghosts that have you haunted

I thought that if I saved you
If I could keep you from that life
You could use that mind, Iíd watch you shine
Go to school, be my wifeĒ

He looks up and he smiles
I watch him beam with happiness
He stares and then the smile fades
ďBut thereís something to confess

I thought Iíd do a good deed
But I got lost and fell in love
And I really wish I didnít
But youíre all that I think of

I have to walk away now
Why did you have to be a whore?Ē
He spins and walks away from me
Opens up then slams the door

Returns a moment later
Then comes and closes space between us
He broke my heart, I fell apart
Then consumes me and it breaks us

We fall in bed knowing damn well
That this man is now engaged
So maybe itís the last time
He rips my clothes off, Iím enraged

Heís leaving me and I canít change why
But in this moment I want him
I knew that this was coming
Itís the last time, we sin again

He climbs over my shoulders
Reaches out to grab a condom
He fucks me like heís never fucked
And then I sucked the life right out him

He kisses me while crying
I cry tears filled with regret
I pray heíll return back to me
I know he wonít forget

I watch him as he walks away
The saddest little scene
Me letting him go off alone
Knowing well I canít keep him



















Written by Diaryofabasketcase (Silvia Rosario)
Published
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