Memory

Memory

I don't know how to feel,
The flashbacks, nightmares and terrors are so real, Replaying in my mind so vividly,
Re happening so intensely,
Not knowing what's real and what's not,
Is is a flashback?
Or am I being shot?

Racing heart, sweaty palms,
Everything around me is causing me harm.
Hyper alert of everything around,
Peace and calm can't be found,
Scared to fall asleep,
The flashbacks make me weep,
Although I'm so very tired,
My brain is wired,
Every crash reminds me,
Of the trauma that broke me, Lost me,
Changed me, Destroyed me.

Why do I have to keep reliving the past?
I should be thinking of the future, not events that have passed,
But it's all so stuck in my mind,
I can't move forward when I need to die,
When I close my eyes I should rest and sleep,
But the images play on repeat.
So scared and fearful,
When will this end?

Why can't my head be my friend?

I don't even recognise my reflection,
I dissociate as protection,
I can't live in this muddle,
Can't keep falling into muddy puddles.
The trauma makes me feel dead,
I'm stuck with bad memories in my head,
My days are filled with dread,
For what's ahead,
But also stuck in the past,
As the pain forever lasts.