exigence

 
I’d beaten my id
against a research proposal
that should have ended with  
letters after my name
 
My meat left the skin when  
my new advisor  
gently  
put her hand  
on my shoulder  
from behind and
 
scared the shit
out of me.  
 
I hyper-focus.  
(You know that.)
And I didn’t hear her  
come into my office.
 
She broke the news:
The same fucking study had
just been published.
 
And my exigence was belayed.
 
A year of  
recalibrated neurons,
gone
 
Just like you.
 
And that is my rock,
and my hill,
on which a ceaseless  
centric of armillary bullshit
rises and falls like a  
perverted black dawn
 
I believe in something unique
(you)
(me)
(we)
 
hone my vision
to only it,
(only us,)
only to find:
 
It’s been done.
 
It’s been fucking done.
 
You woo’d me with your  
pretty sentiment,
and you made me believe
we were special.
 
But we were a couple of
twat sores on a meth addict’s
mattress,
grinding out lies  
like love
 
I thought we were fucking adorable,
I thought we were fucking amazing,
I thought we left chemical burns on my clit from the fucking combustion between us,  
the heat  
and need  
and pathological desire
 
But, nah.
 
I was just something  
to pass your time.  
 
And you were someone to
Waste  
Mine
 
And when we  
had that last
goodbye  
my exigence
ceased here too
 
Flowery, angry
messy passions
the unreliable lows
and the indelible  
apexes,
the shit that made
us feel alive,
 
the shit that made us
immortals
 
(fuck,  
I thought  
I loved you)
 
fell to the floor like
my fear-peeled  
skin
 
It’s hard to  
hold a pen
like this,
let alone a broom
so I leave it there,
the skin
the lies
the wasted time
 
to exsiccate on  
the dirty floor
 
Like all the other
commercially  
unique things
in your world