deepundergroundpoetry.com
That we be like dogs
She leaps into the car, her tail
electrified, the window rolled
down so she can poke her head out
savor the town's fragrances
a cornucopia of scents, a rush
she cannot know roaming nearby.
What if parents told children to
poke their heads out of car windows
have their feet find asphalt
nearer homes of the unshod, to prowl
past broken doors, to know the clatter
of empty feeding bowls, to hear
not just the screech of classroom chairs
on vinyl floors and the howl of audiences
in ball games and school dances
but the yip of hopelessness, to smell
the poor’s pains from their breath
and then, rather than going
for good grades, do good instead?
electrified, the window rolled
down so she can poke her head out
savor the town's fragrances
a cornucopia of scents, a rush
she cannot know roaming nearby.
What if parents told children to
poke their heads out of car windows
have their feet find asphalt
nearer homes of the unshod, to prowl
past broken doors, to know the clatter
of empty feeding bowls, to hear
not just the screech of classroom chairs
on vinyl floors and the howl of audiences
in ball games and school dances
but the yip of hopelessness, to smell
the poor’s pains from their breath
and then, rather than going
for good grades, do good instead?
Published 30th Nov 2023
| Edited 2nd Dec 2023
Author's Note
Photo by Emerson Peters on Unsplash
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 1
comments 12
reads 166
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
30th Nov 2023 10:20am
Your line gives me a feeling of therapy.
The beautiful nature and fragrance of spring flowers.
Nice lines
The beautiful nature and fragrance of spring flowers.
Nice lines
30th Nov 2023 10:38am
30th Nov 2023 8:19pm
Firstly, I love the essence of this poem and how it makes me feel through related experience. Secondly, because you've requested honest critique, and I truly do enjoy the poem, I'll offer the following in hopes it can improve it technically ( there is no improving content-wise, imho ).
I LOVE the enjambment of the first stanza. It's tight. L2 & 5 can stand on their own, yet delightfully continue to the reader's delight. The thing with poetry is that the end of a line denotes a pause whether it has a comma or lacks an end stop or not - which is why I rarely use them.
The second stanza is where it gets loose:
What if parents told children to
poke their heads out of car windows?
have their feet find asphalt nearer <-- moving 'nearer' to the next line creates a tight enjambment
homes of the unshod, to prowl <-- excellent enjambment
past broken doors, to know the clatter <-- excellent enjambment
of empty feeding bowls, to hear, <-- I suggest removing the comma
not just the screech of classroom chairs
on vinyl floors and the howl of audiences
in ball games and school dances,
but the yip of hopelessness, to smell
the poor’s pains from their mouths and then <-- I would move 'and then' to the next line
to do good instead of going for good grades? <-- I would break after to do good and move the rest to finish the poem.
In regard to the last line, going for good grades might flow better and create some solid alliteration by saying, instead of getting good grades. I do like the assonance of the o sound in the last line, but I think the alliteration wouldn't take from that.
Whether you accept these suggestions or not doesn't change the fact that the message is solid.
I LOVE the enjambment of the first stanza. It's tight. L2 & 5 can stand on their own, yet delightfully continue to the reader's delight. The thing with poetry is that the end of a line denotes a pause whether it has a comma or lacks an end stop or not - which is why I rarely use them.
The second stanza is where it gets loose:
What if parents told children to
poke their heads out of car windows?
have their feet find asphalt nearer <-- moving 'nearer' to the next line creates a tight enjambment
homes of the unshod, to prowl <-- excellent enjambment
past broken doors, to know the clatter <-- excellent enjambment
of empty feeding bowls, to hear, <-- I suggest removing the comma
not just the screech of classroom chairs
on vinyl floors and the howl of audiences
in ball games and school dances,
but the yip of hopelessness, to smell
the poor’s pains from their mouths and then <-- I would move 'and then' to the next line
to do good instead of going for good grades? <-- I would break after to do good and move the rest to finish the poem.
In regard to the last line, going for good grades might flow better and create some solid alliteration by saying, instead of getting good grades. I do like the assonance of the o sound in the last line, but I think the alliteration wouldn't take from that.
Whether you accept these suggestions or not doesn't change the fact that the message is solid.
30th Nov 2023 11:31pm
1st Dec 2023 2:24am
1st Dec 2023 1:41pm
1st Dec 2023 3:36pm
13th Jan 2024 1:24am
What I love about your poetry is the incredible observation you bring to your art. You are able to paint vivid scenes with words that are able to reach out and embrace that which you see so that those of us who don't are given glimpses of what your great heart encompasses.
You have, through your example, helped sharpen my eyes to the extraordinary wonder that is all about me, on every side, in the mundane as well as that which seemingly comes from above.
TY once again.
You have, through your example, helped sharpen my eyes to the extraordinary wonder that is all about me, on every side, in the mundane as well as that which seemingly comes from above.
TY once again.
13th Jan 2024 2:12pm
Thank you, MRD. I actually did not realize it until you mentioned it, that I tend to use small things.
13th Jan 2024 6:34pm
"...for from the littlest clue
came whatever worth man ever knew
the next to lighten all men
may be you."
--John Masefield
Seriously, you are the master of the littlest clue. Is not a key a little thing, yet look at what massive doors it unlocks. The beauty of the intimate. I think of your poem which describes your feeding the ancient one often. Such love! Such tenderness. Such beauty.
came whatever worth man ever knew
the next to lighten all men
may be you."
--John Masefield
Seriously, you are the master of the littlest clue. Is not a key a little thing, yet look at what massive doors it unlocks. The beauty of the intimate. I think of your poem which describes your feeding the ancient one often. Such love! Such tenderness. Such beauty.
13th Jan 2024 8:06pm
Thanks, Mrd. Now I have a phrase for this predilection for making something of details. The Littlest Clue.
Yup, God is in the details.
Yup, God is in the details.
Here's the backstory: In February of f1979 I was living in a skid row hotel room on the edge of Chinatown in Vancouver, BC. Too much coffee found me awake at 3 a.m. and I had an encounter with divinity. A presence, ears about to pop, overwhelming sense of the holy. I asked for a sign.
Later that night I picked up "No Highway" by Nevil Shute" and found this fragment in the frontispiece:
"...Therefore, go forth, companion: when you find
No highway more, no track, all being blind,
The way to go shall glimmer in the mind.
Though you have conquered Earth and charted Sea
And planned the courses of all Stars that be,
Adventure on, more wonders are in Thee.
Adventure on, for from the littlest clue
Has come whatever worth man ever knew;
The next to lighten all men may be you..."
--John Masefield
Later that morning I walked out and found $499 in a bag lying against the side of a building. That "sign" took me back to Honolulu where I met a woman who ended up changing the trajectory of my life.
You have been the "glimmer" for me on more than one occasion.
Peace.
Later that night I picked up "No Highway" by Nevil Shute" and found this fragment in the frontispiece:
"...Therefore, go forth, companion: when you find
No highway more, no track, all being blind,
The way to go shall glimmer in the mind.
Though you have conquered Earth and charted Sea
And planned the courses of all Stars that be,
Adventure on, more wonders are in Thee.
Adventure on, for from the littlest clue
Has come whatever worth man ever knew;
The next to lighten all men may be you..."
--John Masefield
Later that morning I walked out and found $499 in a bag lying against the side of a building. That "sign" took me back to Honolulu where I met a woman who ended up changing the trajectory of my life.
You have been the "glimmer" for me on more than one occasion.
Peace.
