deepundergroundpoetry.com
Ancestors
Dead leaves tap-dance
across pebbled pavement,
enticing a lazy day
to guard my energy,
allowing it to flow along channels
unseen by eyes that watch
gray clouds swirl into
soft, pastel hues.
Chilled fingers
grip downy blanket edges,
eyes rocking body to sleep.
The nightscape,
in languid rotation, swallows
the light, and it is here--
They speak in tongues.
across pebbled pavement,
enticing a lazy day
to guard my energy,
allowing it to flow along channels
unseen by eyes that watch
gray clouds swirl into
soft, pastel hues.
Chilled fingers
grip downy blanket edges,
eyes rocking body to sleep.
The nightscape,
in languid rotation, swallows
the light, and it is here--
They speak in tongues.
Published 25th Nov 2023
| Edited 17th Dec 2023
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likes 13
reading list entries 3
comments 11
reads 313
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 12th Dec 2023 6:45am
25th Nov 2023 8:08pm
<< post removed >>
25th Nov 2023 8:57pm
25th Nov 2023 9:41pm
The night-time dream-world offers so much to the day-time gotta-get-outta-bed-now world. Keep the connection :))
Anonymous
- Edited 29th Dec 2023 8:45pm
26th Nov 2023 2:58am
<< post removed >>
26th Nov 2023 5:00am
Dear E,
Third stanza- chilled fingers…like when your feet are freezing but you’re too cold to get out of bed and get a pair of socks because sleep is just about to take hold. I enjoyed all the lovely images and for me the way they relate not only to the dream world but relationships. Lovely write. H🌷
Third stanza- chilled fingers…like when your feet are freezing but you’re too cold to get out of bed and get a pair of socks because sleep is just about to take hold. I enjoyed all the lovely images and for me the way they relate not only to the dream world but relationships. Lovely write. H🌷
27th Nov 2023 12:24pm
Splendido write; the opening stanza is particularly good with the dead leaves unexpectedly tap-dancing across a pebbled rather than cobbled path. “Enticing a lazy day … energy” is nicely observed.
Love the idea of them speaking in tongues in the final stanza. The final stanza “feels” that it needs a new shape, to lead the reader, and build a sense of mystery and excitement. For example:
The nightscape,
in languid rotation, swallows
the light, and it is here —
they speak in tongues.
Line 1 leaves the reader wondering “what about the nightscape?”
Line 2 allows focus on the rather mysterious “languid rotation”, before introducing the reader to “swallows”, again leaving the reader to wonder …
Line 3 resolves the line 2, and builds tension and anticipation via “and it is here”. Perhaps add an m-dash to encourage a pause.
Line 4 maybe meriting a separate stanza because it’s so cool, gives the marvellous resolution, which ties in with the title.
SPLENDID poem :))
Love the idea of them speaking in tongues in the final stanza. The final stanza “feels” that it needs a new shape, to lead the reader, and build a sense of mystery and excitement. For example:
The nightscape,
in languid rotation, swallows
the light, and it is here —
they speak in tongues.
Line 1 leaves the reader wondering “what about the nightscape?”
Line 2 allows focus on the rather mysterious “languid rotation”, before introducing the reader to “swallows”, again leaving the reader to wonder …
Line 3 resolves the line 2, and builds tension and anticipation via “and it is here”. Perhaps add an m-dash to encourage a pause.
Line 4 maybe meriting a separate stanza because it’s so cool, gives the marvellous resolution, which ties in with the title.
SPLENDID poem :))
17th Dec 2023 8:11pm
2nd Dec 2023 12:05pm
4th Dec 2023 2:25pm
23rd Mar 2024 4:51pm
This poem beautifully captures a sense of serene introspection and connection with nature. The imagery of dead leaves tap-dancing, gray clouds swirling into pastel hues, and chilled fingers gripping a blanket all evoke a feeling of calmness and tranquility. The mention of energy flowing along unseen channels adds a subtle layer of mystique and depth to the poem. The final lines, "They speak in tongues. Give," leave room for interpretation, perhaps hinting at a deeper spiritual or ancestral connection. Overall, it's a wonderfully evocative piece that invites readers to reflect on their own relationship with nature and the unseen forces around them.
