Winter Horse Apples
The sun was fading behind our single-wide trailer,
high up on the knob of what used to be a landfill.
Now a trailer park that had lost its flavor when the
flamingos left for tastier pickings. We had wall-to-
wall linoleum both inside and outside.
We are naturists (nudists) and enjoy being free of
blue denim. Occasionally, Granny paints pockets
on my right buttock cheek. One might say that we
are eccentric because we wear Bullwinkle antlers.
Also, Granny is president of the local Little Jimmy
Dickens Fan Club.
Although going on 46, I was living with my
antiquated grandparents after my mom vamoosed
with a Massey Ferguson tractor salesman. I was the
local town sheriff during the week after passing a
home correspondence law enforcement course.
Granny was repairing the hems on Chef Boyardee
Ravioli which we used as bean bags to toss at the
crawdad holes. However, we did have a few pet
crawdads that impersonated crickets. We kept them
chained to the outhouse to chase the flies and bo
weevils away. Two days ago she steamed her socks
in the crock pot and I had to arrest her and read her
rights for inciting the damn canary. "Peter Piper
picked a peck of pickled peppers..."
Grandpa was replacing the shims and gaskets of his
steampunk penis implant that he got out of pawn.
Using a sledgehammer and biting down on a piece of
frog jerky to keep from screaming. The damn thing
just fell apart we were watching Japanese porn on
TV. Closed-captioned: 明日も私を尊敬してくれる？
Ashita mo watashi o sonkei shite kureru? Meaning,
will you respect me tomorrow? Instead of an
ejaculation, he poofed a smoked ring that hung in
the air for 15 minutes. It was either a porn video or
Mr. Ed. A sitcom about a talking horse.
Granny went to the bedroom and fetched her pedal-
operated dildo that she called her Shillelagh. It had
been carved from an old Conway Twitty guitar.
When he and Granny canoodled, the vapor polluted
the air in the valley where the town set. It was so
thick that the smoke detectors went off all over
town. Maybe one reason why the flamingos
I was coming home to roost after a long night at the
bowling alley. I was a pin setter on the weekends
and had earned my Golden Fleece Award for being
there ten years. Golden fleece is a pair of adult
nappies painted the same color as acorn squash.