deepundergroundpoetry.com

Optimistic Fool

Yep, thatís always been me † † †  
Looking for the bright side, the light at the end of the tunnel
Clinging to hope
Even when I couldnít see past closed doors and I was locked in dungeons
Even when I didnít realize that was what I was doing
Somewhere deep inside myself existed strength
Determination
Fortitude † † †  
† † † †
Honestly, life has been hell † † †  
† † † †
Iíve lived through childhood poverty and neglect † † †  
Had the love of my life leave my life because of a racist society  
Was in an abusive relationship for sixteen years with a schizophrenic addict  
(because I was led to believe that was my only option)  
Had cancer twice  
Been under the knife over twenty-three times  
(mostly because the surgeon who performed the first surgery fucked up and left me with a gaping wound and infection, oh yeah, and he shot himself in his car three weeks later because the baby he delivered that day died due to his negligence)  
I flat-lined during one of those surgeries  
(then the anesthesiologist yelled at me for being overweight in the recovery room and said it was my fault, but really Iím allergic to propofol)  
Had my brain electrocuted thirty-six times in three years  
(for no good reason, I just had a psychiatrist who was psycho)  
Lived through torture and rape, at gunpoint no less  
(you never do forget the feel of cold steel against your face)  
Stepped out into the world after twenty years of social isolation and fell flat on my face  
(I had to teach myself how to use a cell phone, smart tv and computer in 2020 - so what did I do? I decided to write a not so good book)  
Had to teach myself how to be a woman again  
(go ahead, try to imagine doing that - thank God for YouTube)  
Tried to end my own life without success, four times no less † † †  
† † † †
For some reason Iím supposed to be here † † †  
(or so Iíve been telling myself) † † †  
† † † †
These past two months Iíve gone through withdrawal † † †  
Each day I struggled with just putting one foot in front of the other † † †  
Not recognizing myself in the mirror † † †  
I picked my ass up and began believing in myself † † †  
And I told myself that God never gives you more than you can handle † † †  
† † † †
Iím proof, arenít I? † † †  
† † † †
For the last three days I was finally free † † †  
I was done with the withdrawal symptoms † † †  
I felt joy † † †  
I felt human again † † †  
I felt the beginnings of healthiness † † †  
I was invincible † †
† † † †
This afternoon may be a turning point † † †  
The results wonít lie † † †  
My oncologist said he will call me personally † † †  
To let me know if my upcoming orthopedic surgery needs to be cancelled † † †  
So that I can have radiation therapy † † †  
† † † †
Honestly, life has been hell † † †  
And itís pretty much looking like it may remain that way † † †  
† † † †
For some reason Iím supposed to be here † † †  
(I gotta keep telling myself that, I just gotta) † † †  
† † † †
† † † †
Written by Her
Published
Author's Note
Iím very much feeling sorry for myself right now and writing it outÖ

Copyright @2023 Her (aka MPT). All rights reserved.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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