Optimistic Fool

Yep, that’s always been me        
Looking for the bright side, the light at the end of the tunnel
Clinging to hope
Even when I couldn’t see past closed doors and I was locked in dungeons
Even when I didn’t realize that was what I was doing
Somewhere deep inside myself existed strength
Determination
Fortitude        
       
Honestly, life has been hell        
       
I’ve lived through childhood poverty and neglect        
Had the love of my life leave my life because of a racist society  
Was in an abusive relationship for sixteen years with a schizophrenic addict  
(because I was led to believe that was my only option)  
Had cancer twice  
Been under the knife over twenty-three times  
(mostly because the surgeon who performed the first surgery fucked up and left me with a gaping wound and infection, oh yeah, and he shot himself in his car three weeks later because the baby he delivered that day died due to his negligence)  
I flat-lined during one of those surgeries  
(then the anesthesiologist yelled at me for being overweight in the recovery room and said it was my fault, but really I’m allergic to propofol)  
Had my brain electrocuted thirty-six times in three years  
(for no good reason, I just had a psychiatrist who was psycho)  
Lived through torture and rape, at gunpoint no less  
(you never do forget the feel of cold steel against your face)  
Stepped out into the world after twenty years of social isolation and fell flat on my face  
(I had to teach myself how to use a cell phone, smart tv and computer in 2020 - so what did I do? I decided to write a not so good book)  
Had to teach myself how to be a woman again  
(go ahead, try to imagine doing that - thank God for YouTube)  
Tried to end my own life without success, four times no less        
       
For some reason I’m supposed to be here        
(or so I’ve been telling myself)        
       
These past two months I’ve gone through withdrawal        
Each day I struggled with just putting one foot in front of the other        
Not recognizing myself in the mirror        
I picked my ass up and began believing in myself        
And I told myself that God never gives you more than you can handle        
       
I’m proof, aren’t I?        
       
For the last three days I was finally free        
I was done with the withdrawal symptoms        
I felt joy        
I felt human again        
I felt the beginnings of healthiness        
I was invincible    
       
This afternoon may be a turning point        
The results won’t lie        
My oncologist said he will call me personally        
To let me know if my upcoming orthopedic surgery needs to be cancelled        
So that I can have radiation therapy        
       
Honestly, life has been hell        
And it’s pretty much looking like it may remain that way        
       
For some reason I’m supposed to be here        
(I gotta keep telling myself that, I just gotta)