The Definitive Divinatory Celebration of Nuts
Each Samhain Eve beneath the harvest moon,
the eerie turnip lanterns being lit,
in circles round the dark frondescence strewn,
we village folk ignite the sacred pit;
Then as the songs to tongs suffuse the skies
to banish evil spirits into night,
I hurry near the bonefire in disguise
my nuts to lay upon an ember bright;
"Yours Truly" scrawled across the bigger nut,
"Brad Pitt" in letters teeny on the small,
its skin tone, like the age spot on Brad's butt,
pea green, as seen in Legends of the Fall;
When next my nuts quick heated get, I chant,
"If thou dost hate me, spit, Brad Pitt, and fly!"
and when my nuts begin to sweat, I rant,
"If thou dost love me, let thy seed slow fry!";
for if Brad's weeny nut should hiss away,
I straight can start to plan our wedding day,
but if Brad's nut should strut from out the heat --
my tongue is cursed to taste no Brad nutmeat . . .
Divinations with nuts is an integral part of Samhain celebrations, since the eeriness of the occasion provides the perfect conditions for such nutty observances.
An appropriate setting is therefore essential, with turnip-lanterns providing the lighting, autumn foliage providing the decorations, and a bonefire providing the meaty focal point.
Music and song set the scene, with disguised participants yet to be married performing the divinations to determine if they are destined to be with whomever they might desire at that particularly horny moment.
Gathering around the bonefire, each participant has two nuts, one nut named for the participant and the other nut named for the object of lust.
Both nuts are then placed on a burning ember, as the following charm is trippingly pronounced upon the tongue:
"If you hate me, spit and fly! If you love me, burn away!"
If the nuts end up jumping away from the heat, then a happy future is not foretold for the two nuts named.
If, on the other hand, the nuts burn quietly away, the forecast is a long weekend of unbelievably great sex.