Must you continue to torture me?

22 year old young man
I walk into the pastry shop and I see you.
Along with your three co-workers
All girls
 Young woman together
Another day at work
You are wearing a hijab
Covering
Everything but you’re beautiful face
 But you’re the most beautiful young lady of of them all despite the fact they’re flashing more skin
Perhaps
you’re more beautiful because you’re COVERING your skin
You shyly smile at me as you get the order with my name on it
the other girls are oblivious of my apparent beauty you seem to think
I take a seat
And wait
20 seconds
Taking in the sight of this shop
“It’s nice” I think
“Might come back to it” I think
“This girl…” I think
“I may come back and buy the stupidest thing just to see her face again….
…her smile.”
“Please smile again for me.” I plead in my mind
Then change my mind
“Please don’t
O God, please don’t smile at me again lest I want you even more
Frown at me
Scowl at me
Roll your eyes at me like I’m a creep
Hate me
Please
Hate me
I cannot bear to hope anymore
Don’t smile at me…”
But you do
Again
And I love it
So, so much
“Why must you torture so?”
Now I want to ask your name!
You’re pulling me into the abyss!
The despairing vortex!
Please don’t!
But it’s too late…
I want you close to me
Right beside me
Sitting in front of me
On my bed
Both our legs crossed
Looking at each other
Smiling like idiots
Giggling like preschoolers
I want to kiss you
Cradle your face as if it could break by a whisper
Wipe your tears if you cry
Cry about anything
For the rest of my life
Hold your body close to mine
Feel your heart next to mine
I’m not immortal but I’ll try
Flesh to flesh for the rest of time
Just you and I
Love of mine

Then I feel the cold blow of wind touch my legs, the cold blow which is reality
“Reality”
Which is not what I want
Because what I want is not what reality gives me
I hate the word
Reality is where dreams die

“Must you continue to torture me?”
Just 3 minutes ago I was peaceful
Now I’m torn
Should I ask your name?
Compliment your hijab?
Let you know that you still look beautiful even though you “can’t show your beauty to the world”?
Or maybe you simply want to be “normal” and look like the other girls, your co-workers you see almost every day
But I like you because you DON’T look like all of them

I ask you your name
No
Wait
I can’t ask that
I will seem really weird
You’ll think I’m a creep
A weirdo
O God, can I please ask your name?!
Please!

No
I can’t
Too risky
Not too risky
Because if I die today or tomorrow I will be glad that I lived life with abandon
Without fear
But it’s too risky
because if I continue to live after I ask you your name than I cannot come back to this pastry shop and see you if my interaction with you I’m contemplating right now goes south

And finally
I ask you
“Is that a hijab?”
“I don’t know” you reply making me feel stupid but it’s not your fault because I can hear in your accent that you aren’t from my country
and you’re probably nervous too because I’ve decided to be forward with you
and ask you something
Words of English to your face
Ask you something beyond shy smiles and nervous eyes
“Are you a Muslim?” I ask with a smile
Trying to sound very friendly and accepting of anything that you could be
Maybe you’re a reptile-shape-shifter disguised
as a beautiful human
and I’d try to make you feel welcome and comfortable
“Yes” you speak back
“Then you’re wearing a hijab, then? Am I right? Or is it called something else?”
Uhhhhhhh!!
I sound like a damn idiot!
Fuck me!
I hate myself!
Can I just tell you that you’re beautiful and kiss your mouth?
“Yes” you finally speak after an eternal death-wheel of painful 3 seconds
“It looks good on you” I smile
“Thank you” you smile back

I walk out of the pastry shop with the treats I ordered and bought
Even though it’s not your fault, Beautiful Hijab Muslim Girl
My confidence and enthusiasm to talk to a girl like you again in the future just went down a few rungs once again
I wish I never tried
Because I don’t know the rules of love
I don’t know what to do when I see a holy and beautiful such as you are
“Why must you torture me so?”
“Must you continue to torture me?”
You don’t even know that you made me bleed today
By cutting my stupid unrealistic hopeless romantic salami heart up once again
Next time I’ll walk to the lake down in the forest I know well in the valley of the city
And I’ll just take a seat
And stare at the lake with the weeping willows hanging their heads in the water
And I’ll be at peace
For a smidge
To look at something that is not a mystery
I don’t have any questions about the lake or the trees
But that’s what makes you so beautiful beyond this sight that I often visit
You are a mystery that I want to learn and yet also
Never learn fully
That’s why you are beautiful
Because you’re a beautiful mystery
But also
Because you look like me
A body like mine
A face like mine
We have the same smile
I want to keep your eyes forever
I cannot have you
“I guess you must always continue to torture me…”