deepundergroundpoetry.com
Love , Not
Alone you sit
at home taking shit
you never know , the next hit
you roll with the show
although , you' re sick of it .
Implications
and situations
twisted into
your own condemnations ,
reservations
lack of extollation ,
a sudden interest
and back to relations ,
your past this station
through the slack of elation ,
the on your side a twat
backing your accusations ,
fucking up your wavelengths
with the wrong medications ,
what's really crap , they know where it's at
if you go up , you're wrong for that
picking up cups behind your back ,
it really sucks like a baseball bat .
You try to get free
you cry , their the reason
for unhappy
they sigh , don't leave me ,
I beg , I plead ,
I love , I need you
I own all of thee .
at home taking shit
you never know , the next hit
you roll with the show
although , you' re sick of it .
Implications
and situations
twisted into
your own condemnations ,
reservations
lack of extollation ,
a sudden interest
and back to relations ,
your past this station
through the slack of elation ,
the on your side a twat
backing your accusations ,
fucking up your wavelengths
with the wrong medications ,
what's really crap , they know where it's at
if you go up , you're wrong for that
picking up cups behind your back ,
it really sucks like a baseball bat .
You try to get free
you cry , their the reason
for unhappy
they sigh , don't leave me ,
I beg , I plead ,
I love , I need you
I own all of thee .
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 17
reads 773
Commenting Preference:
The author is looking for friendly feedback.
:-)
Anonymous
21st Apr 2012 1:37am
It's a wonderful and insightful piece-Thank's for this-and much more <3
0
re: :-)
21st Apr 2012 4:01am
re: :-)
21st Apr 2012 4:03am
Difficult to comment on this...
Anonymous
21st Apr 2012 2:15am
as, if anything, your writing is going backward over time. You should edit this for spelling, and stop being a slave to the very basic and endlessly repeated rhyme scheme you use, and you should try to care a bit more about your reader (except, of course, the one you wrote this for).
What you have here is the roughest guts of a poem, which a writer should then sit on for a while and edit the hell out of, to make something worth the effort of reading;
you sit at home alone, taking shit
never knowing the next hit
so you roll with the show
although you're sick of it
See that? Tidy. Coherent. Not a slave to the rhyme...although still not particularly interesting.
And...please please kill lines like the baseball bat line...appalling writing that you should be way past by now...same as using 'thee' to make a rhyme work. It is a terrible word when used outside of language like it, and marks the writer out as careless, at best.
You frustrate with writes like these mate, because you make me, your reader, feel like you really don't give a damn about this beautiful art.
DP
What you have here is the roughest guts of a poem, which a writer should then sit on for a while and edit the hell out of, to make something worth the effort of reading;
you sit at home alone, taking shit
never knowing the next hit
so you roll with the show
although you're sick of it
See that? Tidy. Coherent. Not a slave to the rhyme...although still not particularly interesting.
And...please please kill lines like the baseball bat line...appalling writing that you should be way past by now...same as using 'thee' to make a rhyme work. It is a terrible word when used outside of language like it, and marks the writer out as careless, at best.
You frustrate with writes like these mate, because you make me, your reader, feel like you really don't give a damn about this beautiful art.
DP
2
re: Difficult to comment on this...
Anonymous
21st Apr 2012 3:44am
Even if there is a fine line between constructive and destructive criticism-you crossed over far enough that you demonstrate a depth reaching deeper than simple concern for the "art'. I think this is rude, disrespectful and shows a weakness in character that is yours alone. If art had the constraints on it that you pose here then we would have a long history of artists tortured because of the gripes of lesser human beings...oh, wait-we do. It is you, who are a disgrace to the "Art" as this is downright disrespect to a fellow writer!
I think least of all, an apology would at least allow some self redemption.
I think least of all, an apology would at least allow some self redemption.
0
re: Difficult to comment on this...
21st Apr 2012 3:57am
Ok for one I stress the fact that I had put for the commenting preferences FRIENDLY FEEDBACK what part of that don't you understand ? also as far as respecting the art of poetry , I have more of an idea and a respect of it than you would ever seem to comprehend ok . The other thing here is I did the poem in the exact way it was intended and have done many that would take a whizz over anything you could ever produce MATE . You seem to be the only fucking one who has a problem and if I asked for critique , then fair point but I did not and if I ask the 53 people who follow my work and the many people who have bought my work over the years to give their verdict on this write , or any of my writes , do you think you are going to be in favour ? c'mon DP stop the little attacks on me as you have a problem with me for some reason and if you respected the beautiful art so much as you infer you do , you wouldn't be going on at a fellow poet who happens to be credible , note this is me trying to be civil here ok so don't think you can fucking talk down to me either or give english lectures to me ok I'm not a little boy so remember that .
re: re: Difficult to comment on this...
Anonymous
- Edited 21st Apr 2012 4:08am
21st Apr 2012 4:07am
A valid point that I overlooked. Honest criticism was not sought. Friendly feedback means..say something nice or don't comment..
I am always sad to see an egocentric, self imposed, overly capricious "writer"
attack their peers in such a below the belt manner...
I know what this is about--and the way you put every single relevant word and life path that is the "now" and made it work in a poem is sheer genius.
Peace and love,
Miki
I am always sad to see an egocentric, self imposed, overly capricious "writer"
attack their peers in such a below the belt manner...
I know what this is about--and the way you put every single relevant word and life path that is the "now" and made it work in a poem is sheer genius.
Peace and love,
Miki
0
re: re: re: Difficult to comment on this...
21st Apr 2012 4:34am
Thankyou miki as you know exactly what I was going on about and I hardly think it is laden with pigeon english either lol again thanks my love xx
re: Difficult to comment on this...
23rd Apr 2012 9:26pm
first of all, it shouldn't matter with the spelling,
if you understand then why bring it up....i love this peace..and there is no such thing as backward...a person can Chang there feel or style of writing....it dosnt have to stay the same way..and i no you are trying to help but dont if a person dont ask for it.
if you understand then why bring it up....i love this peace..and there is no such thing as backward...a person can Chang there feel or style of writing....it dosnt have to stay the same way..and i no you are trying to help but dont if a person dont ask for it.
0
re: re: Difficult to comment on this...
23rd Apr 2012 9:56pm
no kumi he just plain doesn't like me lolol that's what it is lol and my spelling is good too
the asshole above
21st Apr 2012 2:50am
This poem is absolutely amazing, and most good poems rhyme.
And he doesnt seem to know anything about writing poetry!!
Poetry is about expresing yourself!! Not about what your readers think!! This was amazing, and i wouldnt edit it a bit!!
And you above; let up. Damn, I dont think theres any way to get ruder and just downright mean than what you did. This poem is amazing, why dont you just express you jealousy in a kind way rather than in a hostile way?
Again poet, AMAZING POEM!!(:
And he doesnt seem to know anything about writing poetry!!
Poetry is about expresing yourself!! Not about what your readers think!! This was amazing, and i wouldnt edit it a bit!!
And you above; let up. Damn, I dont think theres any way to get ruder and just downright mean than what you did. This poem is amazing, why dont you just express you jealousy in a kind way rather than in a hostile way?
Again poet, AMAZING POEM!!(:
0
re: the asshole above
21st Apr 2012 3:44am
Thankyou for your support and pointing out some obvious issues with DP I appreciate it greatly :)
re: the asshole above
Anonymous
21st Apr 2012 3:45am
Cheers to you for standing up for what's right. This asshole is really out of line here. I agree with each word you say. peace, miki (thank's)
0
:)
22nd Apr 2012 1:03am
re: :)
22nd Apr 2012 2:06am
Well Done!
22nd Apr 2012 2:13am
Paul you have a way with words that few others
do..this piece (regardless of other comments)
Is Genius.
relevant,and damn good!
Sometimes people wont appreciate who you are as a writer ...and I think in light of that responce you recieved you handled it WELL
well donr my fellow poet...well done
very classy .
do..this piece (regardless of other comments)
Is Genius.
relevant,and damn good!
Sometimes people wont appreciate who you are as a writer ...and I think in light of that responce you recieved you handled it WELL
well donr my fellow poet...well done
very classy .
0
re: Well Done!
22nd Apr 2012 2:53am
Thanks Firebyrd I appreciate your comment and your support on my poetry , again thankyou :)