A false pretense of sisterhood

With age comes wisdom,    
maybe small relief  
in unmooring harbored secrets    
that help to ease into  
a new plane  
of existence  
of being mindful    
Personally, I try(hope) for    
but am ok with    
practicing generousity  
of the smallest kind.    
Striving for self improvement    
while healing my own heart's wounded scars    
Becoming lighter,    
so grace is what flourishes,    
while still giving my darkness  
its own due time    
I understand various keen perspectives    
the want to transcend    
without distortion    
to live    
without old    
Finding security    
in myself  
dawning in warm realization    
that, that is    
more than enough  
for a self proclaimed    
accomplished soul.    
Or so I hoped to believe  
IS what I believed    
thought most people did,    
until you sought me out    
pretended to be my friend  
with compliments of my righteous self expression,    
feigning gushing interest in my opinions  
really pouring it on -    
Saying how impressive you found me,    
So much so,    
that you admitted to sincerely considering    
hiring me for yourself.    
And when I fell for that absolute bullshit    
of tactical spin and spoonfed lies,    
brazenly meant to lubricate me just right,    
that's when you twisted in the knife,    
pumping me for information    
while attempting to "explain" your reasoning.    
Pulling me into your very own private space,    
a place that I never wanted to be privy to    
and 100% never wanted the knowledge of.    
Some decision making    
should be easy peasy,  
especially when having all those years    
now behind you, like you have.    
You're far old enough to know better than    
what your actions portray.    
Imbued with an education that living life procures;  
bonded lessons that most girls    
who become woman, forever cherish.    
Even as youth magically evaporates,    
fading the you, you keep in mind    
until it's all swept... away,    
that life lesson, I would like to think, remains.    
So, there should be  
a well taught,    
learned and practiced  
innate understanding    
that the powerful connected bond  
of sisterhood elicits  
Reverenced solidarity of that very notion    
is nothing short of being seriously sacrosanct.    
Upholding one another as women  
with value, decency and respect  
should be like breathing— automatic.    
Perhaps that's what you wanted me to think    
were your beliefs? I couldn't give two shits , now.    
Just curious as to what inspires    
such fucking petty cold heartedness,    
that would make someone comfortable    
with discarding the opportunity  
of sincere female friendship    
and instead, let empathy and kindness  
become corrupted by needless jealousy.    
What ever happened to just being a good person?    
When did it become best practice to befriend a person    
only to gain information, access    
and I guess some sense of context    
or control? It's beyond disheartening    
and has affected    
my own judgement of other's character.    
Left me questioning myself,    
the validity of goodness in all people  
and whether it's worth it    
to continue to even bother    
with cultivating any new personal interactions.    
I assume the root cause    
is either insecurity or abundant gall    
that gave rise to making some fucked up choices and    
perhaps tempered simple care and compassion-    
lessoning the way one treats people.    
Effecting clear ideas of what is right    
from what is wrong.    
Making it far too comfortable in becoming    
something contrary    
than who and what you might actually be.    
Being so very lost within an unrelenting pummeling    
of deep tethered feeling that it detrimentally    
weighs down mind, body and soul.  
A void of unrequited hollowness  
Blind, brutal audacity is the death of honor.    
Insult to injury is to bellyache this bs publicly    
in a 'woe always me' kinda way    
that I violently hate    
that goes too far    
is too public    
and pushes past where it all needed to remain.    
I know the epitome of all that is desirous,    
when green runs cold your blood.    
It stands upon burning bridges    
screaming at the top of scarred lungs,    
just how mentally healthy    
those hollered claims all appears to be.    
Yet, they aren't, really are they?    
It's when you try to distract from    
your own lessor 'angels'    
that these impulses end up becoming    
the worst versions of yourself.    
This sad caricature;    
letting duplicity and pride    
prevail in a ludicrous vain effort -    
 to serve selfish means.  
Lying because you felt you were overly deserving  
or that you had some innate claim /divine right.    
That being a colossal asshole    
with a side of heinous duplicitous bitch    
was actually needed.    
That is how you chose to introduce me, to you.    
Because, fuck me and my feelings, eh?    
It was only ever important to reel me in    
using your weird, crazy fake agenda    
via your staunch efforts at self-dealing  
It was so incredibly simple    
when you only saw me    
as some sort of enemy,    
enough to masquerade yourself    
as 'friend'.    
When the reality    
you never once    
actually saw me    
for me.    
Written by Bluevelvete
Published | Edited 3rd Aug 2023
Author's Note
I hated the fact that I allowed myself to be left with increased self doubt and questioning. Leaving that all behind with this long time coming and very much needed purge piece
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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