A false pretense of sisterhood
With age comes wisdom,
maybe small relief
in unmooring harbored secrets
that help to ease into
a new plane
of being mindful
Personally, I try(hope) for
but am ok with
of the smallest kind.
Striving for self improvement
while healing my own heart's wounded scars
so grace is what flourishes,
while still giving my darkness
its own due time
I understand various keen perspectives
the want to transcend
dawning in warm realization
that, that is
more than enough
for a self proclaimed
Or so I hoped to believe
IS what I believed
thought most people did,
until you sought me out
pretended to be my friend
with compliments of my righteous self expression,
feigning gushing interest in my opinions
really pouring it on -
Saying how impressive you found me,
So much so,
that you admitted to sincerely considering
hiring me for yourself.
And when I fell for that absolute bullshit
of tactical spin and spoonfed lies,
brazenly meant to lubricate me just right,
that's when you twisted in the knife,
pumping me for information
while attempting to "explain" your reasoning.
Pulling me into your very own private space,
a place that I never wanted to be privy to
and 100% never wanted the knowledge of.
Some decision making
should be easy peasy,
especially when having all those years
now behind you, like you have.
You're far old enough to know better than
what your actions portray.
Imbued with an education that living life procures;
bonded lessons that most girls
who become woman, forever cherish.
Even as youth magically evaporates,
fading the you, you keep in mind
until it's all swept... away,
that life lesson, I would like to think, remains.
So, there should be
a well taught,
learned and practiced
that the powerful connected bond
of sisterhood elicits
Reverenced solidarity of that very notion
is nothing short of being seriously sacrosanct.
Upholding one another as women
with value, decency and respect
should be like breathing— automatic.
Perhaps that's what you wanted me to think
were your beliefs? I couldn't give two shits , now.
Just curious as to what inspires
such fucking petty cold heartedness,
that would make someone comfortable
with discarding the opportunity
of sincere female friendship
and instead, let empathy and kindness
become corrupted by needless jealousy.
What ever happened to just being a good person?
When did it become best practice to befriend a person
only to gain information, access
and I guess some sense of context
or control? It's beyond disheartening
and has affected
my own judgement of other's character.
Left me questioning myself,
the validity of goodness in all people
and whether it's worth it
to continue to even bother
with cultivating any new personal interactions.
I assume the root cause
is either insecurity or abundant gall
that gave rise to making some fucked up choices and
perhaps tempered simple care and compassion-
lessoning the way one treats people.
Effecting clear ideas of what is right
from what is wrong.
Making it far too comfortable in becoming
than who and what you might actually be.
Being so very lost within an unrelenting pummeling
of deep tethered feeling that it detrimentally
weighs down mind, body and soul.
A void of unrequited hollowness
Blind, brutal audacity is the death of honor.
Insult to injury is to bellyache this bs publicly
in a 'woe always me' kinda way
that I violently hate
that goes too far
is too public
and pushes past where it all needed to remain.
I know the epitome of all that is desirous,
when green runs cold your blood.
It stands upon burning bridges
screaming at the top of scarred lungs,
just how mentally healthy
those hollered claims all appears to be.
Yet, they aren't, really are they?
It's when you try to distract from
your own lessor 'angels'
that these impulses end up becoming
the worst versions of yourself.
This sad caricature;
letting duplicity and pride
prevail in a ludicrous vain effort -
to serve selfish means.
Lying because you felt you were overly deserving
or that you had some innate claim /divine right.
That being a colossal asshole
with a side of heinous duplicitous bitch
was actually needed.
That is how you chose to introduce me, to you.
Because, fuck me and my feelings, eh?
It was only ever important to reel me in
using your weird, crazy fake agenda
via your staunch efforts at self-dealing
It was so incredibly simple
when you only saw me
as some sort of enemy,
enough to masquerade yourself
When the reality
you never once
actually saw me