Longing

The strong scent of smoke permeated in the air. She was smoking her cigarette and the wind was blowing our way. I could see her hair flowing with it. Behind all the locks I could spot a glimpse of her eyes that held universes I knew nothing of. A world that would forever be lost to me. The sky was a deep blue then. A vast emptiness that seemed to pull me in deeper and deeper. It felt as if the wind was blowing me closer towards the sky; a nostalgia I could feel beneath my skin, eternally trapped in that blue, empty space.  
 
She was someone I wanted to protect all my life. To keep her close. To keep the warmth of that smile in my hands so that it would never go cold. She was my hope and I loved her. We were in high school back then. We weren’t close friends in particular. She had her own group of friends and I had the stairs on which I had usually sat on and read books. She approached me and asked if she could borrow one. But all I read were Shakespeare books so I knew none would suit her. But she persisted on borrowing one anyway. Romeo and Juliet, she said when I had offered Coriolanus. After that, we started talking more often. She introduced me to a world I never knew. She made me listen to the music she liked, watch the shows she had often watched, read the books she liked to read, the sublime artistry of the poems she was interested in. She gave me a push and I found myself running towards the horizon, giving everything she liked a try. I was curious of the world she was living in. I wanted to be a part of it. Somehow, I had thought that she also wanted to be a part of mine. No more were the lonely days on the steps as she seated next to me. She gave life to my words…and color to my world. And suddenly I could feel the world spinning around the vastness of space. Time was moving. I was never happier to be alive. The nights I had spent alone in darkness were now filled with the image of her smile painted in my dreams. This was the image I wanted to protect. I clutched my chest with a knight’s vow and a heart full of longing.  
 
Here she is once more, sitting next to me. She gazes at the sky as I glance at her. Her long, flowing hair. The luster of her lips. The gentleness of her breathing. She was sitting next to me on a bench. We were trying to make up for lost time. There were many questions to ask. Many stories to tell. And many secrets to keep and better left unsaid. She had a cigarette pursed in her lips.  
“Hi there” she said.  
“It’s been a while.”  
“I know. It’s like I barely know you anymore.”  
But I never changed. I still feel the same way. Cherish the same things and hold onto the same sentiments.  
“Time does things to a person.”  
“Terrible things,” she said with her head down and smiled. “How are you?”  
“You?”  
She didn’t answer. It had been years since the last time we could talk to each other again like this. A man approached us and reached for the packet of cigarettes next to her. Then, he reached for her hand.  
“I’m back. We can go now,” the man said. He leaned towards her and whispered “Do you know him?” She looked at me and I gave her a smile. She smiled back.  
“No. Just someone I met just now.”  
 
Every now and then I look back wondering if I made the right decisions in life. Met the right people. Chose the right words. Who can ever tell? But my feelings remain unchanged. The world could crumble, the stars could go out, and she loved by another, but I will always be longing for those eyes that looked right through me, and the words that pierced through these walls…The warmth that was never meant to be mine.  
 
For after all, “When most I wink, then do mine eyes best see.”  -Shakespeare Sonnet XLIII