4-14-2012 10:51 PM - 11:01 PM

Today I hiked for two hours. My step mom and her boyfriend drove the kids and I out to a park by a lake that has a path into the woods that intertwines with a cliff over the lake. I brought my camera and my cigarettes.

I trailed off with my younger sister towards the more dangerous areas to get a few good pictures and smoke out of my little brother's sight. He's still not old enough to know what pain is besides his scratching and bruising.

There was rocky terrain and mossy terrain and I thought everything was beautiful. We found a cave, even. There were vines and mosquitoes and the world was very real for a very long time. There are things that you can't not appreciate.

We get back. I lay down and sleep for the next two hours. I dream of drowning and concussions and death and lying and red eyes, and then I wake up with a headache. We eat dinner and I try to socialize. I can't socialize. I'm too empty so I'll try and fill myself, I say. I just end up going to a nearby pond at dusk and laying in the grass for a while.

I come back and I'm still empty. My headache not only stayed but worsened. There are things that I'd like to talk about but I can't seem to wrack my brain for the right words, so I isolate and try not to linger around the pain.

There is a movie on but it is only background noise. Everyone is sleeping even though it is a Saturday night and the neighbors have been drinking around a bonfire for more than four hours now. The kids are getting ready for bed. My head still hurts and I wish I had the power to not feel. I wouldn't mind; honest.