i saw you in my dream

i saw you in a dream one night  
i asked you if it was really you  
you said you were also asleep
and when you woke you would forget  
that we had seen each other  
i sat beside you in the meadow  
looking into your face as you  
stared off into the horizon  
as the clouds passed by; the sun was setting  
contemplative, yet vacant; despondent
taking me back to when you would hold me
your grasp and your body were so warm
your eyes looking into me so coldly  
empty smile not quite reaching your eyes  
no tension in apprehensions or regret
just expectance  
you looked off towards my direction
asking me if i still loved you  
or if i ever did  
i asked you why you left me  
taking my heart with you  
the sky shifted, stars began to settle  
and you got up to run
i ran after you, calling your name  
shouting in desperate and tired bouts
the sky grew darker and darker  
pinks, purples and blues dispersing  
out of the air, and with that  
i sprinted faster and harder
and i realized with my running
this was the first time  
i had actually chased after you  
the coward, the rabbit, the burrower
the one who hops and skitters away  
burying themselves in their regret
i caught up to you as you spit  
and coughed, laying on the ground  
holding your sides  
leaving me again, giving up is easy  
i turned you over from your fetal position
told you to get up and face me  
you looked up at me, the way i had to you
when i was a child asking why you made  
me feel the way i did and you  
not having an answer
i shrieked a childish cry and let the vibrations  
of my anger absorb into your skin
pricking needles of my spit against you  
your hollowness gave away, the surface
of your body flaking and floating off
and i demanded you give me my heart back
my father, my father, my father
my father without a father
he broke, shattering like a mirror  
looking at a reflection he couldn't stand  
like all the women he broke
his mother, his wife, his daughter
like all the times he hid himself  
while he cried
and crushed my body when i came back to him
unwillingly, after running away
like the time he crushed my spirit  
when i stood under him at just six years old  
and him telling me it was my fault  
he looked up into me, looked into my eyes
looked into my eyes with something  
i never seen from him before
and could only describe as the fervor  
of being alive  
but seeping with regret
as he opened up his body, as the skin  
around his chest splintered off in large pieces  
he broke down further  
and there in his hands, my heart  
the heart he took when i was only a baby  
mushy and rotted, and black
slashed and tattered, so tenderly abused
smaller than i thought it would have been
smaller than it should have been
and he looks up to me one final time
putting it against my stomach
so i will grab ahold of it  
and i grab ahold of it, i hold it in my own hands
feeling it melt, slipping thick through my fingers
and i hear my own self cry from the womb
as the little black beads spill  
onto the ground by my feet and his knees  
i looked back up as my hands fall to my sides
a flickering light burning my eyes, blinding me  
and in a cracking memory, the last words
he spoke to me  
 
 
 
"i was always here."