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deepundergroundpoetry.com
In her Panties
It was in her panties
he found paradise..
Snake eyes
Hidden by frames
of madness..
He's insane..
As the salt
rolls down
a mary k highway...
the sheets are stained..
Sweat
Regret
A chemical debt
Swallows the room..
Paid in ones
after damaged fun
for him...
No bottle
for my full throttle saloon...
This place is open 24-7
Leave your morals
at the door..
explore the whore...
.
.
.
.
.
Where god doesnt exist..
were the words she hissed
as he kissed her goodnight...
he found paradise..
Snake eyes
Hidden by frames
of madness..
He's insane..
As the salt
rolls down
a mary k highway...
the sheets are stained..
Sweat
Regret
A chemical debt
Swallows the room..
Paid in ones
after damaged fun
for him...
No bottle
for my full throttle saloon...
This place is open 24-7
Leave your morals
at the door..
explore the whore...
.
.
.
.
.
Where god doesnt exist..
were the words she hissed
as he kissed her goodnight...
Published 12th Apr 2012
| Edited 14th Apr 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 1
comments 9
reads 1185
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12th Apr 2012 11:35am
This place is open 24-7
Leave your morals
at the door...
Wild & hyperealistic stuff!
Leave your morals
at the door...
Wild & hyperealistic stuff!
12th Apr 2012 3:47pm
12th Apr 2012 9:56pm
14th Apr 2012 5:47am
14th Apr 2012 6:14am
Anonymous
14th Apr 2012 7:51am
...pretty decent. If you will allow...a few questions;
It was in her panties
he found paradise... (why the dots? What are you asking the reader to read when they see these dots?)
Snake eyes...(same question....or is it like this example, an unending sentence? Innuendo?)
Hidden by frames
of madness... (good line)
He's insane..
As the salt
rolls down
a mary k highway...
the sheets are stained..
Sweat
Regret
A chemical debt.. (nice group of lines here, nice sound and intent)
Swallows the room... (these large disconnections are interesting, but you need to take a lot of care to make sure the reader's eye jumps with you...to where you do)
Pay'd in ones (why 'pay'd'? Why not 'paid'?)
after damaged fun
for him...
No bottle
for my full throttle saloon...
This place is open 24-7
Leave your morals
at the door..
explore the whore... (good line, and nicely timed)
.
.
.
.
.
Where god doesnt exist...
Was.
The words that she hissed
as he kissed her goodnight...
(the end is confusing. Do you mean;
where god doesn't exist
were the words she hissed
as he kissed her goodnight"?
If you did you need to tidy it up, and if you didn't, same goes.
Nice job, and an entirely interesting read.
DP
It was in her panties
he found paradise... (why the dots? What are you asking the reader to read when they see these dots?)
Snake eyes...(same question....or is it like this example, an unending sentence? Innuendo?)
Hidden by frames
of madness... (good line)
He's insane..
As the salt
rolls down
a mary k highway...
the sheets are stained..
Sweat
Regret
A chemical debt.. (nice group of lines here, nice sound and intent)
Swallows the room... (these large disconnections are interesting, but you need to take a lot of care to make sure the reader's eye jumps with you...to where you do)
Pay'd in ones (why 'pay'd'? Why not 'paid'?)
after damaged fun
for him...
No bottle
for my full throttle saloon...
This place is open 24-7
Leave your morals
at the door..
explore the whore... (good line, and nicely timed)
.
.
.
.
.
Where god doesnt exist...
Was.
The words that she hissed
as he kissed her goodnight...
(the end is confusing. Do you mean;
where god doesn't exist
were the words she hissed
as he kissed her goodnight"?
If you did you need to tidy it up, and if you didn't, same goes.
Nice job, and an entirely interesting read.
DP
14th Apr 2012 8:23am
Wow.. Thank you first of all for even reading and taking the time to ask so i shall answer each one.. 1. The dots are just part of my style and also to pause in between thoughts or notions.. i might need to calm down on them for sure now that i look at it.
2. snake eyes was the visual of his eyes as he was looking at me. the frames of madness were him wearing glasses..
3 your right i should bring up the line swallows the room i shall do that now.
4 and the typo for paid i have no idea.. i shall fix that too..
5. and yes that ending looks alot cleaner..
there i go with the dots again. lol.
Ok let me fix it right and thank you truly.
2. snake eyes was the visual of his eyes as he was looking at me. the frames of madness were him wearing glasses..
3 your right i should bring up the line swallows the room i shall do that now.
4 and the typo for paid i have no idea.. i shall fix that too..
5. and yes that ending looks alot cleaner..
there i go with the dots again. lol.
Ok let me fix it right and thank you truly.
Anonymous
21st Apr 2012 00:47am
Well done...definiately tidier. Still the dots, but you are forgiven my dear :-)
DP
DP
29th Apr 2012 3:27am
Good Visuals....I like poems that put you in the moment or the mind of the person ..and you did that for me on this poem...thanks for the read..
