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BROKEN

In this cold dark world.
All i have ever seen is death and heartbreak.
Shit that i wish i never wanted to see.
But that's life.
That's all there is.
Death and fucking heartbreak.
Some people go through life without a care in this world.
I wish those same people could see what all my eye's have seen.
The cold lifeless shells of what were once a living loving person.
The saying is all so very true.
If you ever have the chance to love someone, there will be grief.
Faithful family and friends that are no longer of this world.
The memories of them all should make me feel happiness.
 All the great times we all shared.
Not for me.
I'm haunted by the sorrow i feel over their death.
Maybe it's a mental disease.
Whatever the fuck it is, that's just me.
Psychiatrists have tried to assist.
Dozens of anti depressants prescribed.
All of were just bullshit.
Not a damn thing the so called mental professionals could do for me.
All that comforts me during this state of sadness is my faith.
Faith in god.
Faith that i hope i get my number called by the man upstairs sooner than later.
Faith that i hope to see all my dearly departed family & friends.
I no longer have satisfaction or joy in hobbies i once loved in this life.
All i do now is work 2 full time jobs 7 days a week.
 Barely eating.
Barely getting sleep.
Rarely taking care of my hygiene.
The one thing i do stay on top of is just paying fucking bills.
Got to keep that money machine going.
I keep doing and doing.
Alone.
Loneliness isn't all that bad.
It gives me time to sleep and talk to god.
I'm afraid.
Not of death.
Afraid that with all the broken hearts i have accumulated over my life.
Afraid that somethings changed within me.
Afraid that i won't be able to love again.
Something is fucking wrong.
Something is blocking my ability to even try to love another.
Something is fucking broken.
I pray for the lord to come and fix this shit within me.
I don't like feeling this way.
This is too much for one soul to bare.
The past is what it is.
The present is what it is.
The future is nothing but shit.
Lord forgive me for being so weak minded.
This is exactly what i get for living most of my life in sin.
This is my punishment.
I deserve nothing short of eternal damnation in hell.
All my wicked ways.
All my words as well as my actions, have led me into this fucking pit.
Throughout my life i have prayed for my demise.
I just wanted for the pain to end.
Some have said to commit suicide.
Suicide is never the option i would choose.
I'm leaving my life in the only hands that matter.
All this madness began 38 years ago.
The death of my beloved mother.
My uncle told me as time goes on, that i would see more and more loved ones die.
God i wish he wasn't right.
But he was.
I have seen more death than i could ever possibly imagine.
The old, also the young.
Death has done something to me, just as the heartbreaks have.
I no longer fear death.
I have accepted it's not only my destiny, It's the entire world's as well.
Something is so wrong with not being able to mentally control this feeling.
I wanted happiness for myself.
I'd give anything for happiness.
Currently happiness comes in very small doses.
A favorite food, drink, song, movie, place, activity, etc.
My mind, soul, body.
It's all completely and utterly fucking BROKEN!!!!!!!!!



Written by jmerrick73
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