Our Orbits Were Too Close

I slouched back down in my seat as I felt the hum of the car's engine beneath my hand. I felt like I had just been slapped across the face. I looked up to see the red, wet streaks on the pavement as the tears began to roll down my face. I opened the windows and turned up the music to cover my feelings so I couldn't think.

I didn't want to think-

I didn't want to feel-

I didn't want to exist-

I didn't want -

The gravity of what I had just said, just typed, was grabbing at my heart strings and de-tuning my life. My truth was slapping me and I hated myself for it. I couldn't understand why I would ever do something as horrific as what I had just done. I never dreamed it possible in my feeble mind. I murdered my own feelings for my simple future peace of mind.

Why? I still don't know and I never will know.

I had been near you for six months but I had just pushed you away because I was scared. I was nervous and frightened by something that I had just been introduced to, and it was the best time of my life. I loved seeing you whenever I could. Your presence simply made my heart skip with glee.

I wish we could've skipped. We would've enjoyed it. We could've seen the spot I wished you a "Happy Birthday" while breaking the law. The bend of the trees would've hung low and I might've finally worked up enough courage to kiss you.

But we never did. We never got the chance because I was too scared.

It was never your fault. It was never you. It may be cliché but it really was all me. I fucked up. I didn't think, I didn't emote. I didn't speak on that last car ride home.

That week was hell, but a hell of my own creation.

On Monday I was scared.

On Tuesday I thought about it and then said "no" as I drove you home because I cared too much for you.

On Wednesday we started school and sat together like we always did, it was glorious and perfect.

On Thursday we did it again, and I loved it even more.

On Friday I went to practice and I slammed the door to my car. I flipped a coin and I started to drive. I didn't know where to but I knew I didn't care. I drove for 30 minutes before I came to the empty stoplight with no cars around for miles. No houses around for miles.

When I finally looked back up at the end of "Everlong" I realized that the light had turned green. The streaks on the ground were the opposite side of the color wheel and it was time to move. I let out a breaking scream as my heart broke from the weight I had created from nothing, I struck it more vigorously with every beat.

I thought back on my favorite moments. Just being near you. I felt like a planet to your glorious sun, orbiting your power, your radiance, your brilliance, your you. It was something I could never live up to but I just wanted to be around you. I made a full orbit around you and with every new degree, I saw I loved you more. But I realized that our love was mutual. That we were both orbiting each other and continually getting closer. You were still more brilliant but I didn't know what to do. I wasn't used to having someone else care for me. Hell, I didn't care for me and I couldn't conceive of someone thinking I was worth it because in my eyes I wasn't and am not worth it.

I though back on my favorite moments. Watching you dance. I saw your heart and soul being splayed and speared on stage for all of the ungrateful parents who were there for their little angels. I sat there awkwardly, thinking "this is all for her, this is all for her" because I loved you. I wanted to watch you, and only you, I wished that I was the only one in the theatre while you danced alone on stage. Spinning and jumping and living. I never knew your heart could be so big and I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted you to grab my hands and spin around on stage and make me feel like I was wanted. I wanted to cuddle and cradle you in my arms while we rocked back and forth to your favorite song for once, rather than my self-centered bullshit ramblings of music. But we never did.

I thought back on my favorite moments. I thought back only to look forward. I knew that I would have to leave them all behind, and well, I still haven't left them behind. They are still stinging my heart every time I think of them.

The real reason it never worked is because we were too close and too similar. We tried and we tried and we tried, but everything I ever thought was wrong. I finally figured out that I was scared of hating you. I was never afraid of loving you because there are too many perfect things about you that it would be impossible not to love you. But, with every bit of good there comes some evil. With every ounce of love comes a little hate, and that is what I was afraid of. In that moment I hadn't found any hatred or bad feelings; only love. But so little hatred filled my brain that it scared me because I knew it would come later. Being depressed before is what kept me going. I was consistent and never changed. I didn't need a distraction because I never needed to be better. I never needed to improve.

You improved me-

You made me feel-

You made me emote-

You made me love-

You made me into me-

You showed me who you were and I loved every inch.

I was just scared of how great you were and how low I was. I didn't want to drag you down with the anchor that I was fashioning. I didn't want you to be stuck with me for I'm no one to wait for. I'm no one worth waiting or crying over. I'm just me and me alone and I'm not worth it.

I loved you. I love you. I will love you until the day that I die and nothing will change that. But I guess, that's how love works, it stings your heart until you can't take it any further. Then it starts plucking the strings and snapping them as your life gives out.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. I wish I could go back. But that's life. That's how it works. We can't take back what we said. We can't redo what we meant. We can only learn for the future. And I think yours looks way brighter than mine and I'm not scared to see where yours goes because it will light only a path of greatness and perfectness wherever it goes.

As I put the car back in drive I realized that you had responded. That maybe I had tricked my mind into thinking the wrong thing, that maybe I hadn't fucked up and maybe I hadn't sent the worst thing I had ever written. I was wrong, I had, you had received it, you knew about it, and you knew it was coming. That was my worst mistake, second only to losing you, thinking I could mend what I had dismantled and threw out.

I turned the music of "New Way Home" up louder and drove away from the light, never to see its, or your, brilliance ever again.