deepundergroundpoetry.com

I canít for the life of me talk to people

What else am I supposed to say?
I really canít. Period.
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Okay, okay fine.

If Iím being frank, people who have hobbies other than internet usage are people that I seriously canít relate to. I mean, I thought I could relate to them, but I guess I canít.

When I got my first job, I had to get acquainted with my coworkers, and before this Iíd never talked to anyone who wasnít hooked with either gaming, anime or binge watching shows. (Even my parents love YouTube and Netflix like their second child.)

But they all talked about things like hanging out with friends, dating, going to the bar, going to band practice, taking walks by the river, going to concerts and Iím just like: ďall my evenings are the same.Ē

When I go home, I put on my PJs, eat, then watch YouTube or K-dramas (then eat some more), and finally sleep. Thatís a done deal day for me.

Once in a blue moon, I take photos or I write song lyrics, but thatís besides the point.

Turns out that not everyone has succumbed to the magnets of the internet and they actually do stuff outside of it. Not everyone is going to get sucked into the voracious vortex of the metaverse just yet.

The world is really bigger than I thought it was.

As you can imagine, having such a lack of hobbies could cause someone to feel inferiorówhich no surprise, thatís my specialty. In the past week alone, when I talked about my free time, comments Iíve gotten are: ďwell thatís not very impressiveĒ, ďdo you want to change your lifestyle?Ē and ďyou should get a lifeĒ.

So of course, this additional layer of shame and embarrassment about my lack of a supposed ďlifeĒ decreases my ability to socialize with others.

While another person is trying to talk to me, Iím focusing on other things except what theyíre saying. Iím looking at their clothes and seeing how nicer they are to my own. Iím seeing how excited they are about that party and wishing that I could have as many friends as them. Iím hearing their hobbies and simultaneously creating insults about my own hobbies.

Here I am, roasting alive in the endless cyclical inferno of comparing myself over and over again to the person Iím talking to, and they donít realize it at all.

My negative inner voice becomes so loud it tunes everything out and I canít be present in the moment. When these thoughts devoid of self-love are replayed like a broken tape nonstop, Iíll constantly feel inferior to others and Iíll try and find unhealthy ways of compensating for what I believe are my ďweaknessesĒ.

(These unhealthy ways Iím not comfortable talking about so Iíll just end it there.)

Consequently, when the conversation ends, I usually say next to nothing to this person because I now feel like shit about myself, and I heard only 1% of what they actually said.

However,

*sighs deeply*

Iím slowly learning that even if Iím not the most interesting person and my amount of social activities are significantly lower than my peersíómy worth is still equal to theirs.

Iím slowly realizing as I get older, that I am enough as I am.

Indeed, why canít I just like what I like regardless of how it lines up with other peopleís standards? Why canít I defend my tiny batch of hobbies and be passionate about it too when talking to people?

Despite my loads of free time to chomp down a 20 episode K-drama in a week (each episode being ≈60 minutes long), the fact is that I like K-dramas and I donít mind being alone. So if I like what Iím doing, that should be enough for me.

Yeah, most of what I do only entails sitting my ass on my couch and staring at the TV or my phone for a couple of hours, but it isnít something I wanna get rid of anytime soon.

Also, my hobbies donít make me less open to having new experiencesóI recently went to my first bar and I found it somewhat entertaining, albeit awkward.

Anyways, I hope that slowly gaining some sense of self-worth will make me better at being present in conversations. When I talk to people, I donít want to feel inferior to them, but feel equal to them. Plus, I want to be able to find the right words to sayówords they reflect my true values, interests and identityónot words that promote insecurity, and create a fake identity.

In the future, I wish to defend myself, my interests and anyone else who spends most of their time alone (with such glorious fervour) because I love them regardless of how it lines up with my peersí expectations.
Written by ohmy_engrish (^-^)
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