You Found Me

I found me and I guess you found me too
I put my best foot forward that day, knots in my stomach and all.
You’d come from so far to get your head straight. Was it the benzos or the leg mutilations that got you here, I forget, but that’s besides the point.
I was secretly hoping you’d come here, maybe Malibu or something. I was so happy you chose to be so close, Woodland Hills!
A few minutes from my work. God I’m nervous writing about this even years after the fact.
My friend teased me so much that day. She wanted to meet you but my anxiety was too high. I know she’d look down on you, which is odd because she lost custody to both her kids.
Either way, it was your birthday.
What was close? Across the street, a little Tai.
I’m ahead of myself.
A block away. I saw your poofy head on the bus. God, if only what I see in my mind could be replayed. You in the little window, so cute I could cry and laugh at once. Hysterical you make me even years later, even with my new found hate.
I was also going through it. I was also on the brink.
Two fucking peas in a pod. Two cases of La Mala Muerte if I ever saw one.
Fuck we were so good together.
No one on earth is a sadder sack of shit than us.
Where I come from may be darker and where you come from may be richer but even with your advantages and my disadvantages, we ended up on the same level.
No one knows me like you, you see me for what I am and what I can bring. I’m useful.
You use me.
I use you too.
We need and feed off the stagnant waters that birth our mosquito children that feed on our own blood. Our negativity only fucks ourselves up and no one else.
We are both disgusting. Horrible.
But I found myself. I carved my way out of your liver.
You found me. You saw I had seen you.
Not the sister I was convinced you were but you.
Everything you said was a lie. You never even seen me then, you see me now though.
I left you before you left me.
You could smell it and that’s why you ran the fuck away.
You knew I had seen you.
You weren’t the one at the concert, sneaking out of rehab.
You weren’t the one in bed, arm to arm, smoking, while your cat pissed on my sweater.
You weren’t the one in Florida, all alone smoking in a flooded parking lot where I discovered I really loved you.
I seen you. Your mask.
Now I see you again, the face.
You saw me too, everything you ever wanted and never needed.
The spell is broken, my eyes don’t reach yours anymore. So you took off.
You always were a coward and back then I’d fight for us both and you knew I could take the damage. I’m older now and can hardly speak for myself
You found me and then you left me.
The only thing I have are my memories.
The fuck good are they?
You’re up there along with finding the lung x rays on the bus stop, Matamoska sneaking us in, listening to Tumbleweed, holding each other, my roof top proposal before we ruin everything Bonnie and Clyde style..
Your up there with all my precious memories
Then there’s Florida, the flood, walking through the little woods after the concert, smoking two packs of cigs, never wanting to leave each other, the floofy poof on the bus, in bed and now there’s nothing.
I will immediately stop making memories.
I don’t want to make them anymore. I don’t even want to hold these.
What good are they but to prove I had it all? I had it all but it’s always the wrong way.
All the times I’ve been found. All the times I’ve been lost. I have found myself, I have found myself alone.