deepundergroundpoetry.com
"Your Name Goes Here"
Dear "______",
We're going to be okay.
But just in case,
I wrote you this note.
When I'm quiet, it's not to shun you,
I'm just at that place in my head.
I'm not even sure that it's within my brain.
It has it's own space, muffling my ears
and glazing my eyes
-It's all reversed, to outside in.
So I go deaf and blind, to many things,
but it's only temporary.
Doctors try to label it,
but I won't sit my ass in their box.
It's too small.
They can't even see the expanse
of all of my thoughts,
because they're standing too close
to my wall.
They tell me what I have,
but they can't say for sure
what I'm missing.
They have no idea,
what all I carry already.
I don't ever feel alone,
because I'm so crowded inside.
So please, understand
and start with me
from your outside, in.
I will make room,
and I will deal with it,
as I let you in
to each compartment.
I hear you, I do.
Just at times it gets tangled
with the commotion that overwhelms me.
Read my notes, though;
None of those things inside me
have arms or legs,
so bring me yours.
You can quell that chaos
into silence
for little whiles, at a time.
I can be that person
that you hoped I was.
The one that the professionals
cannot identify.
Their intrigue is not sincere for me.
I'm not to be studied.
I'm not a victim, for scrutiny.
There is nothing missing to me.
It's all just buried
by an extra layer.
Only a smile can open me,
so please bring yours.
Turn my head, if you have to.
Make me see you.
Find my worth.
I do have feelings.
Just because I don't feel
hot and cold,
doesn't mean that nothing's there.
It's all simple to me;
There's only open, and closed.
So be brave enough to come inside,
when the opportunities happen.
I will try my damnedest
to make it worth your while.
It's more gentle than it seems;
I'm not trapped inside,
that's not how it is.
It's that it's the only home
that I've ever known,
that doesn't burn down
in my head.
I'm not a castle,
nor a mausoleum.
I don't need a caretaker
or a queen.
Just help me open my window sometimes.
Because I forget, too frequently.
A few have tried to be those roles,
and I've disappeared on each of them
before they ever left.
I've no room for pretense.
What is real
is that I'm only a ferris wheel.
But I have no say-so
to the highs and lows.
On a good day,
we can eat lunch in the sky.
During bad, I forget to eat at all.
You'll have to bring your own.
And maybe, save me some.
So if you're still with me,
I can't promise you an Eden.
It doesn't mean you're not worth it.
It means that I don't even know
what one is.
Yet I can vow, no snakes
will dare venture here.
There is no worst of things
around me.
You don't have to sign anything.
Just wait, right here beside me
and I will come to you,
every time that my ferris wheel
lifts me up, into the open.
~~~
Published 2nd Nov 2022
Author's Note
That's enough notes.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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2nd Nov 2022 00:48am
hello dearest poet this is like you read me from the inside
except I get so lost I don't notice the changes sometimes
my doctor has no idea I think about me I don't even know
I have moments of clarity then I forget again...
this is a beautiful and loving write that I relate to on every level ❤️
except I get so lost I don't notice the changes sometimes
my doctor has no idea I think about me I don't even know
I have moments of clarity then I forget again...
this is a beautiful and loving write that I relate to on every level ❤️
2nd Nov 2022 1:23am
Hey you,
I'm very pleased to hear that it has a positive influence with you. As I wrote it, I wondered who else it may relate to. It doesn't really need to strictly apply to a definite "disorder". Because most writers probably relate to this at some level. We live in our heads a great deal.
Just be sure to step outside some, or else you get swallowed up within yourself too long.
Thank you for the nod, and I hope you are doing well!
I'm very pleased to hear that it has a positive influence with you. As I wrote it, I wondered who else it may relate to. It doesn't really need to strictly apply to a definite "disorder". Because most writers probably relate to this at some level. We live in our heads a great deal.
Just be sure to step outside some, or else you get swallowed up within yourself too long.
Thank you for the nod, and I hope you are doing well!
2nd Nov 2022 2:17am
I totally get living inside your head. For me it gets
noisy and I feel the need to make order. Name the people and make stories:)
Helps me feel in control of things only I can have control of.
Also helps when I want to disappear when I'm unhappy to find my happy inside.
I can relate to this in so so many ways:)
I'm talking about writing of course - I've never been diagnosed with anything other
than being small.
Reading this and getting your POV on yourself is illuminating to say the least.
I find you such an amazing spirit I forget that you struggle.
noisy and I feel the need to make order. Name the people and make stories:)
Helps me feel in control of things only I can have control of.
Also helps when I want to disappear when I'm unhappy to find my happy inside.
I can relate to this in so so many ways:)
I'm talking about writing of course - I've never been diagnosed with anything other
than being small.
Reading this and getting your POV on yourself is illuminating to say the least.
I find you such an amazing spirit I forget that you struggle.
2nd Nov 2022 2:38am
Hiya!
But its not a struggle to me, it's my normal. It's when me being "off" and someone makes a deal about it in a negative light, that's the struggle. I'm like "WTF are you talking about?"
Because I'm the normal ! (I think).
Once I was officially diagnosed, the ex wanted me back, blah blah blah. She messed up, etc etc.
Fuck off. Nothing changed except a piece of paper was printed.
This past year has been one of the best years of my long life. Good family, good friends, good writing.
I'm okay!
And you have to be okay, too. I mean it. Your awesome humor is like a blood transfusion for me. And yes, the shared love of writing and trying for higher spirits.
I will push you, you push me. We'll get there. Deal?
But its not a struggle to me, it's my normal. It's when me being "off" and someone makes a deal about it in a negative light, that's the struggle. I'm like "WTF are you talking about?"
Because I'm the normal ! (I think).
Once I was officially diagnosed, the ex wanted me back, blah blah blah. She messed up, etc etc.
Fuck off. Nothing changed except a piece of paper was printed.
This past year has been one of the best years of my long life. Good family, good friends, good writing.
I'm okay!
And you have to be okay, too. I mean it. Your awesome humor is like a blood transfusion for me. And yes, the shared love of writing and trying for higher spirits.
I will push you, you push me. We'll get there. Deal?
2nd Nov 2022 2:41am
2nd Nov 2022 2:42am
Wait, what! Look at your hair all down and rockin! Free spirit! It's about time you relaxed that ol bun-a-hair.! I love it.
(But that damn steering wheel cover, no. Get a Cowboys one already!)
(But that damn steering wheel cover, no. Get a Cowboys one already!)
2nd Nov 2022 2:49am
Don't be dissing my pink steering wheel!!!
The key chain matches. Hahaha
I will never have a Dallas Cowboy steering wheel cover. hahaha
Just putting that out there. LOL
The key chain matches. Hahaha
I will never have a Dallas Cowboy steering wheel cover. hahaha
Just putting that out there. LOL
2nd Nov 2022 3:30am
Would be nice if everyone came with an instruction manual, especially one this beautiful.
Much of the mental health field is folly. Like trying to label a kaleidoscope.
I like ferris wheels...
Much of the mental health field is folly. Like trying to label a kaleidoscope.
I like ferris wheels...
2nd Nov 2022 3:47am
*I was reading your screeching tire one as you left this comment! Little ironies are cool.
I'm not a fan of that field at all. Literally every solution anymore is a prescription of "dull me down"s. Then you're hooked on a "legal" drug.
Writing is salvation. It really is.
I love all the rides, except any that spin me fast. No thank you. Lol. Ferris wheels are cool because you can see so far, no rush. Just take the sights in.
Thanks, little Pink Dreamer. I actually wrote this in a blur, on scrap paper at work. I didn't want to "people" today.
I'm not a fan of that field at all. Literally every solution anymore is a prescription of "dull me down"s. Then you're hooked on a "legal" drug.
Writing is salvation. It really is.
I love all the rides, except any that spin me fast. No thank you. Lol. Ferris wheels are cool because you can see so far, no rush. Just take the sights in.
Thanks, little Pink Dreamer. I actually wrote this in a blur, on scrap paper at work. I didn't want to "people" today.
2nd Nov 2022 4:44am
Dear S,
What a beautiful way in which to define the mechanisms of a human being. Those little square boxes doctors use to label and pen things into a “norm” are as restricting as they are suffocating.
I think your open letter format and gentle requests for understanding throughout the write are magnetic and appealing as they are gentle and humble. This is a fantastic write.
H🌷
What a beautiful way in which to define the mechanisms of a human being. Those little square boxes doctors use to label and pen things into a “norm” are as restricting as they are suffocating.
I think your open letter format and gentle requests for understanding throughout the write are magnetic and appealing as they are gentle and humble. This is a fantastic write.
H🌷
3rd Nov 2022 2:34am
Hey you, H.
Thank you much. The VA decided that I could use someone to counsel me. Although I am literally fine as I am. It's mostly all a non issue to those who know me. I take no meds, don't want any meds. No one gets better or improves (mentally) by wrapping their ills up in a drug. That's just my opinion, I know.
Anyway, I reply too much. Lol.
This write is meant to shine on those out there who may need something to relate to. And it is definitely not a woe is me, for myself. Because I never feel that way.
Okay, rarely, lol. Just frustration sometimes.
Writing is my savior. Always has been.
Thank you much. The VA decided that I could use someone to counsel me. Although I am literally fine as I am. It's mostly all a non issue to those who know me. I take no meds, don't want any meds. No one gets better or improves (mentally) by wrapping their ills up in a drug. That's just my opinion, I know.
Anyway, I reply too much. Lol.
This write is meant to shine on those out there who may need something to relate to. And it is definitely not a woe is me, for myself. Because I never feel that way.
Okay, rarely, lol. Just frustration sometimes.
Writing is my savior. Always has been.
2nd Nov 2022 10:08am
"Just help me open my window sometimes." Amen. I can only concur with the insightful & considered comments above. Society has a desperate need to label, they hope it gives meaning or makes sense of the general chaos. Oblivious to the fact that we are chaos. Beautifully captured Styx.
3rd Nov 2022 2:49am
Yep. You are spot on, Rob.
It's literally impossible to peg anyone exact when it comes to mental stuff. The Dr's use their best guesses, really. Based on averages, test studies , and the wack nut who smeared their poop on the walls in the next room, etc.
There's nothing really wrong with someone shutting down and doing a reset sometimes.
Its when someone (even being sincere) tries to pry you out of it, that shit gets real. I retreat way way more. An hour can become two days.
But, I tend to write more, then. So, a loss is a win!
Hell, a damn cat will whine for you to pet it one minute, and then bite you for touching it the next. Cats needs meds! Not me. Lol
I appreciate your keen comment. You should work for the VA. Lol
It's literally impossible to peg anyone exact when it comes to mental stuff. The Dr's use their best guesses, really. Based on averages, test studies , and the wack nut who smeared their poop on the walls in the next room, etc.
There's nothing really wrong with someone shutting down and doing a reset sometimes.
Its when someone (even being sincere) tries to pry you out of it, that shit gets real. I retreat way way more. An hour can become two days.
But, I tend to write more, then. So, a loss is a win!
Hell, a damn cat will whine for you to pet it one minute, and then bite you for touching it the next. Cats needs meds! Not me. Lol
I appreciate your keen comment. You should work for the VA. Lol
2nd Nov 2022 12:20pm
Well damn, now you've got me crying here in my parked car.
This is so beautiful. I envy your contentedness and understanding of who you are. As someone who's been actively seeking a "box" to belong in, it gives me pause... I know those boxes are artificial, and yet... I feel so desperately alone most of the time, I guess I just want a starting point to try and explain myself - but I'm questioning why I started down this road in the first place. (It appears I may have broken the brain-whisperer.... he needs an extra week to write my report!)
Anyway, enough about me. This is a wonderfully written self-portrait. I totally relate to that concept of living outside-in. I have a lot more to say but I'll refrain from taking over your comments!!
❤️k
This is so beautiful. I envy your contentedness and understanding of who you are. As someone who's been actively seeking a "box" to belong in, it gives me pause... I know those boxes are artificial, and yet... I feel so desperately alone most of the time, I guess I just want a starting point to try and explain myself - but I'm questioning why I started down this road in the first place. (It appears I may have broken the brain-whisperer.... he needs an extra week to write my report!)
Anyway, enough about me. This is a wonderfully written self-portrait. I totally relate to that concept of living outside-in. I have a lot more to say but I'll refrain from taking over your comments!!
❤️k
3rd Nov 2022 3:05am
You can write as much as you ever want to, BT. There's no limits.
And I'm glad at least your car was parked during your cry!
One of my "symptoms" is that I compartmentalize almost everything. And everything is broken down into numbers . I know, Rain Man shit. Lol. I also collect cigar boxes.
I was told all those empty boxes represent my insides.
And that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm a blender inside! Lol.
I like the smells, the cool labels, where they were made, etc, of those boxes.
It has a reward/merit to it. Pretty simple explanation.
Fortunately, my VA care is free. I don't have to pay for the clowns.
Your best "care plan" is writing, regardless if you share it. And having someone/s to talk to.
That's all you really need. And can trust 100 percent .
No one can see your journey or your path better than yourself. Guidance is cool, but it's not a map. Trust your own judgement first.
And thank you, for the props on my write. Y'all helped me relax , because I was damn sure cautious about posting it here.
And I'm glad at least your car was parked during your cry!
One of my "symptoms" is that I compartmentalize almost everything. And everything is broken down into numbers . I know, Rain Man shit. Lol. I also collect cigar boxes.
I was told all those empty boxes represent my insides.
And that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm a blender inside! Lol.
I like the smells, the cool labels, where they were made, etc, of those boxes.
It has a reward/merit to it. Pretty simple explanation.
Fortunately, my VA care is free. I don't have to pay for the clowns.
Your best "care plan" is writing, regardless if you share it. And having someone/s to talk to.
That's all you really need. And can trust 100 percent .
No one can see your journey or your path better than yourself. Guidance is cool, but it's not a map. Trust your own judgement first.
And thank you, for the props on my write. Y'all helped me relax , because I was damn sure cautious about posting it here.
2nd Nov 2022 9:56pm
Well, hello! This was definitely surprising and I feel like I know you a lot better now! Yes, a lot of us are disordered. My issues appeared when I was five, but I try to be a little bit elusive about them, ha ha! Mainly because they're common but I don't feel like what I have is common because it's MY experience, damnit! Also because it's a bit embarrassing. Totally agree with the being content to be by myself because my mind is so noisy and busy. Keeping it that way helps to keep my illness at arm's length. I don't crave company either. The only time I feel alone is when I'm in a big group/ crowd!
3rd Nov 2022 3:20am
I have never once seen anything about myself being "disordered". Just a little different than the norm. I'm unique! Lol.
I can agree with those few who have seen me being tuned out (no, I don't take drugs) and having my little mental skips, and get concerned. But, it is definitely not any kind of handicap. It's when attention is drawn to it, that it can be a hindrance.
Yet, ultimately it's harmless. To me anyway. That's what matters.
I'm not nearly as bad as many are. Life can so be so unfair to some. I see me as breaking even. I really do.
I have a lot of hobbies! And enough good friends, who smack me around and make me go out into the world. Lol. Thank god I can dress myself!
You have to be okay, Ellie. You have to. Smiles are a better cure than any medication.
I can agree with those few who have seen me being tuned out (no, I don't take drugs) and having my little mental skips, and get concerned. But, it is definitely not any kind of handicap. It's when attention is drawn to it, that it can be a hindrance.
Yet, ultimately it's harmless. To me anyway. That's what matters.
I'm not nearly as bad as many are. Life can so be so unfair to some. I see me as breaking even. I really do.
I have a lot of hobbies! And enough good friends, who smack me around and make me go out into the world. Lol. Thank god I can dress myself!
You have to be okay, Ellie. You have to. Smiles are a better cure than any medication.
