am I the bad guy?

This self hatred fog is suffocating
And a porcupine rage all encompassing
I don't know what's real in this life
Am I the real problem here?
I'm drowning in the hoard of my apologies
And I know my recent behavior isn't okay
Am I just weapon of my pain?
Sometimes my scars all ache at once
Ghostly pain of all my burned in mistakes
Countless swirls of tallies upon my flesh
Sometimes I feel trapped; my life a cage
Personal attachments links in the chain
I wish I could die and resent the love given
All this fucking love for me tying me down
I'm pinned to this life like a butterfly
Fuck, I'm the bad guy... So ungrateful
I should be on my knees in gratitude
That these people even care about me
I just don't understand why they do
And I just can't stop expecting the betrayal
It's this cage of love and the knowledge
That you can never predict when they'll turn
Or worse... When they fade away from you
I think I'm the bad guy and I've tricked them
Because if their love is a cage I'm the jailer