deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Honest CV
I've been doing a spot of job hunting.
It's not going well—
possibly because I'm being half-hearted about it,
but I also wonder if I might do better
to submit a brutally honest C.V.
rather than the factual but boring one
which probably reads just like everyone else's.
Previous jobs:
Lots of schools, good, bad and indifferent.
I've taught classes, groups, pairs and individuals.
Children are children, wherever they are.
Running my own business
teaching music to pupils of all ages.
Oh, the stories I could tell!
They could fill a book—
in fact, I’ve started writing it!
Education and training:
GCSEs,
A levels,
Two degrees,
possibly all now obsolete.
A diploma in clarinet performance
which was both stressful and expensive,
and (I now realise) is completely irrelevant
to ANYTHING other than being a clarinettist!
Music grades on 17 instruments,
and I'm not even sure why.
Driving licence since 1996,
when I passed my test at the fourth attempt.
You could say I wasn't very good at it.
Interests and hobbies:
Reading. Researching my every whim.
Disappearing down rabbit holes on YouTube.
Going swimming, unless it's cold and dark outside
and I can't be bothered.
Going to bed late and struggling to get up.
Tea. Cake. Chocolate. Wine.
Writing music, writing poetry, making cards
but forgetting to wash up.
Watching silly comedy game shows on catch-up,
especially the one about words and numbers
and the one where the contestants
have to complete ridiculous tasks.
Silly signs. Spelling.
Reading in the bath. Texting.
What skills can you bring to the workplace?
Juvenile humour. Wordplay.
Decent spelling and punctuation.
Pedantry. Sardonicism.
Ability to amuse colleagues
with custom-written songs, limericks and signs,
or funny puzzles if that's more their style.
Focus, determination, independence.
Excellent work ethic.
No supervision required.
No practical skills whatsoever.
Limited common sense.
Ability to wiggle my ears,
bend my toes back to touch the top of my foot,
carry ten mugs simultaneously
(one hung from each finger/ thumb).
A fundamentally asocial personality,
but usually up for a laugh.
Who would like to hire me? :D
It's not going well—
possibly because I'm being half-hearted about it,
but I also wonder if I might do better
to submit a brutally honest C.V.
rather than the factual but boring one
which probably reads just like everyone else's.
Previous jobs:
Lots of schools, good, bad and indifferent.
I've taught classes, groups, pairs and individuals.
Children are children, wherever they are.
Running my own business
teaching music to pupils of all ages.
Oh, the stories I could tell!
They could fill a book—
in fact, I’ve started writing it!
Education and training:
GCSEs,
A levels,
Two degrees,
possibly all now obsolete.
A diploma in clarinet performance
which was both stressful and expensive,
and (I now realise) is completely irrelevant
to ANYTHING other than being a clarinettist!
Music grades on 17 instruments,
and I'm not even sure why.
Driving licence since 1996,
when I passed my test at the fourth attempt.
You could say I wasn't very good at it.
Interests and hobbies:
Reading. Researching my every whim.
Disappearing down rabbit holes on YouTube.
Going swimming, unless it's cold and dark outside
and I can't be bothered.
Going to bed late and struggling to get up.
Tea. Cake. Chocolate. Wine.
Writing music, writing poetry, making cards
but forgetting to wash up.
Watching silly comedy game shows on catch-up,
especially the one about words and numbers
and the one where the contestants
have to complete ridiculous tasks.
Silly signs. Spelling.
Reading in the bath. Texting.
What skills can you bring to the workplace?
Juvenile humour. Wordplay.
Decent spelling and punctuation.
Pedantry. Sardonicism.
Ability to amuse colleagues
with custom-written songs, limericks and signs,
or funny puzzles if that's more their style.
Focus, determination, independence.
Excellent work ethic.
No supervision required.
No practical skills whatsoever.
Limited common sense.
Ability to wiggle my ears,
bend my toes back to touch the top of my foot,
carry ten mugs simultaneously
(one hung from each finger/ thumb).
A fundamentally asocial personality,
but usually up for a laugh.
Who would like to hire me? :D
Published 4th Oct 2022
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likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 5
reads 210
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
4th Oct 2022 4:08pm
Samaris is an Icelandic music trio one of which is a clarinet player...the clarinet is a very versatile instrument...keep playing....as for a job I noticed in the St Helena Independent several adds for educators both on the island of St Helena and neighbouring Ascension Island (both British Overseas Territories)...good luck!
4th Oct 2022 4:16pm
Ha ha... do you reckon I could persuade my husband and two teenagers to move?
5th Oct 2022 3:52am
Dear E,
Please tell me you’ll do this. I think it’s refreshingly and positively brilliant.
You’re hired! (I’d hire you based on this resume 😊) H🌷
Please tell me you’ll do this. I think it’s refreshingly and positively brilliant.
You’re hired! (I’d hire you based on this resume 😊) H🌷
5th Oct 2022 9:58am
6th Oct 2022 4:54pm
The honesty behind this is amazing. In many of the lines ,as an interviewer, I would be inclined to want to follow up with more questions! (you want that) Some, are quite 'funny and interesting,' at the same time. Some show just the slightest bit of 'I do not care what you think' and those might be off putting, (which sometimes we all have that I do not care attitude after rejections) take the rough edges off of those and you might find yourself called back for a second interview. I tested 4 times for the same position in my job and finally got it after honing my interviewing and job skills. We are all unique and have gifts, I can see some of yours.
