The Honest CV

I've been doing a spot of job hunting.
It's not going well—
possibly because I'm being half-hearted about it,  
but I also wonder if I might do better  
to submit a brutally honest C.V.  
rather than the factual but boring one  
which probably reads just like everyone else's.  
Previous jobs:  
Lots of schools, good, bad and indifferent.  
I've taught classes, groups, pairs and individuals.  
Children are children, wherever they are.  
Running my own business  
teaching music to pupils of all ages.  
Oh, the stories I could tell!  
They could fill a book—  
in fact, I’ve started writing it!  
Education and training:  
A levels,  
Two degrees,  
possibly all now obsolete.  
A diploma in clarinet performance  
which was both stressful and expensive,  
and (I now realise) is completely irrelevant  
to ANYTHING other than being a clarinettist!    
Music grades on 17 instruments,  
and I'm not even sure why.  
Driving licence since 1996,  
when I passed my test at the fourth attempt.  
You could say I wasn't very good at it.  
Interests and hobbies:  
Reading. Researching my every whim.  
Disappearing down rabbit holes on YouTube.  
Going swimming, unless it's cold and dark outside  
and I can't be bothered.  
Going to bed late and struggling to get up.  
Tea. Cake. Chocolate. Wine.    
Writing music, writing poetry, making cards  
but forgetting to wash up.  
Watching silly comedy game shows on catch-up,  
especially the one about words and numbers  
and the one where the contestants    
have to complete ridiculous tasks.  
Silly signs. Spelling.    
Reading in the bath. Texting.  
What skills can you bring to the workplace?  
Juvenile humour. Wordplay.  
Decent spelling and punctuation.  
Pedantry. Sardonicism.  
Ability to amuse colleagues    
with custom-written songs, limericks and signs,  
or funny puzzles if that's more their style.  
Focus, determination, independence.  
Excellent work ethic.  
No supervision required.  
No practical skills whatsoever.  
Limited common sense.  
Ability to wiggle my ears,  
bend my toes back to touch the top of my foot,  
carry ten mugs simultaneously  
(one hung from each finger/ thumb).  
A fundamentally asocial personality,  
but usually up for a laugh.  
Who would like to hire me? :D
Written by Wafflenose (Ellie)
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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