Desperately & Dangerously Codependent for Love

Maybe I am just as bad as the common criminal because there ain't nothing keeping me from killing anybody for you. To protect you or just because you fuckin say so. I do drugs just because I'm not with you. I get angry at you and stop talking to you just because why tf don't you want to walk me down the street on a leash? Lesser weaker men have done it and have gotten my sacrifice in exchange for being courageous enough to let me be me all the time and find joy in that and not make me feel like it's burdensome for me to ask it of you. My love don't have time for bullshit ass excuses about how the public doesn't consent. Love knows no bounds or restrictions or at least mine doesn't. Not how I was taught by characters in books that I ain't never met or feeling I never experienced in my lifetime being received and not taken. But I'm still not a pussy. Isn't that the same love that the messiah gave his life for just to prove that very point. The same messiah that we look to for hope and guidance down the path to unconditional empathy. The same messiah that I compare you to and claim you to be. But you don't understand why it kills me literally I'm dying slowly from the emotional deterioration that eventually leads quickly to self neglect and the physical repressions due to stress, anxiety attacks, high blood pressure, heart attacks. After all aren't expectations the source of all heart break? If I had children whether or not they knew the intimate details of our relationship I would want them to know the beauty of us laughing together supporting one another uplifting each other respecting and empathizing with our human experiences humbly. And yet my worth is reduced to your slutty secret until it's the right time. I will never know the luxury of true acceptance. I have not been welcomed into your world and all of it's field of blossoms and resistant weeds requiring toil to be pulled up at the roots with fearless and fervent intention. Me letting you into my illnesses and evils was purposeful as petrifying as it was rationalization was unnecessary because it was good for my soul. Healthy. So what am I to you? Poison? I wanted to die knowing that truth that I have no say so in your decision to go to the end of the earth and back just to show me you love me. Anyone can say it. I said it to every John I knew just to erase the memory of that agonizing fairytale conclusion that I gassed this up to be. I'm not good enough for the risk. But I'm just good enough for you to save me from drug addiction at least meth was gut level transparent. My filthy overdoses weren't drowned in over compensating compliments. I know I'm a horrible person I do it with reason so people like you will stop wanting me when they can't reciprocate passion. I love You so much I let You beat me and enjoy it just because you do. And for those brief moments I have you until I don't anymore. Your mother will never know I worship her son like a king because he saved my life just as much as my conscience will never believe that we're compatible just because I call you Master. How could I ever convince myself to love someone that doesn't claim me in public. When every moment I'm alive every thing I do is predicated upon you and your validation. The world knows that my internal organs need you. It's in my walk, it's how I chew and blink and breath it's all I talk about because wow is that phenomenal right? Why are the one that are my alleged saving grace never my knight and shinning armor. One thing I hate more than a liar and a thief is a hypocrite. Oh so in you mean to tell me that in 2022 it's okay for a man to be a woman, immigrants get more opportunities than African Americans When the blood of our ancestors built this country, dogs can inherit substantial wealth through a death will over their blood relatives, covid can kill billions of people and the poverty level is still increasing, and in all the perseverance and fight I mean parasites swallowing whole entities you still can't love me the way I love you. Because of society? Public speculation and scrutiny? Or your ego? Maybe you're just lazy with your heart. You just don't feel like it because it's too much work to free me of my triggers of abandonment and heal myself of side chick syndrome. How pitiful of an alpha Dom I have. My care don't only exist hidden in closets, under rocks, reserved in other hand-me-down beds Intended for tourists and not romance like my trauma told me my purpose belonged. I mind as well let you beat me because if you didn't shit I'm just gone hurt myself reminding myself that I'm not as special as everybody tells me I am when I fill my days with acts of kindness just to leave behind some kind of mark on this world that doesn't lead to more tragedy. That you don't even encourage because it has nothing to do with you. I don't know what's more sad my codependency on you or my desire to not give up showing you the lord's will by using myself as a living example and being discontent with the possibility that it won't work just like him dying for our sins don't prevent us from making the right choices and having integrity, dignity even. Why heaven ain't enough incentive enough for righteousness still befuddles the fuck out of me. I belong amongst the homeless with my foolish fantasies and talking to myself when I pour out my heart confessing my unconditional love and it falls upon deaf ears as if they never exist to begin with. I'm just crazy. Belittle it. I beg of thee. Write it off as schizophrenia Leave me nodding off with the junkies whoaing in harmony. You know the ones that they claim never were human to begin with. I am Animus. At least I won't be judged when I refuse to become desensitized to cruelty. Thou shalt not cope with such realities. Toleration forever robs me of the liberty of my soul. I dare not forget that love once existed in the flesh. I'd rather be high. My "I love yous" even mean I'm willing to die for you just to spare you of your own sins against me.