deepundergroundpoetry.com

when I'm around her,

Hello again,
 
I realize it's been a hot minute since I've posted something. But, whoever you are, thanks for reading this anyway.
 
This post is about considering the possibility that in addition to liking guys, I might also fancy girls. If you feel uncomfortable in reading it, then I suggest you leave now. There is no lewd imagery in here though, if that's what turns you off.
 
The main takeaway that I'd like someone to see from this is that, I never chose to feel this way. I've felt somewhat an attraction to girls (and their bodies) for years but, in terms of liking a girl that I work with, now that's unknown territory for me.
 
I'm deciding to post this personal, journal entry because I want people to see it--but it's not about the view count for me. To be honest, I just want a place to release these feelings to the public without alerting my close friends or family. I'm grateful that DU Poetry is a place where I can express these genuine feelings and where people will actually read them.
 
Thank you,
 
ohmy_engrish
 
---
 
Feelings are indeed, very bizarre.
 
About a week ago, I've started questioning my feelings towards someone I know. It usually is hard for me to warm up to people, but, it was especially hard getting to know her.  
 
I felt a lot of frustration and insecurity surrounding our interactions. I'd look down on myself and feel stupid around her or even hopeless as an individual.
 
But, as time goes on, I've realized that she's actually really nice, although, she doesn't like to sugarcoat things when she has to tell the hard truth.
 
When I meet her, I look forward to seeing her smile, or making her laugh. I also like it when she makes me laugh and smile.
 
If she texts me, I don't expect a whole lot of conversation, but it makes me just the tiniest bit happier to know that she's contacting me.
 
I like when I can make eye contact with her when we talk as well.
 
To be honest,
 
I don't know where I'm going with this.
 
All of these feelings are coming without much thought to them, and I'm pretty sure, at this point it's just an infatuation.
 
However, if they start to deepen, then that could cause some real problems.
 
The type of relationship her and I have now, it is not supposed to be...in that way.
 
Each day that we see each other, she shows that she doesn't want our relationship to be anything other than a friendship, and, I think I give off the vibe to her that I'm a bit hesitant to get closer to her too. That boundary is set there and it'd be weird to disrupt it.
 
Plus, I don't think I'm willing to go into a relationship, really. That entails enjoying a person's great qualities, but also dealing with their problems--and I don't think I can handle that chaos right now.
 
For now, I'm just going to take things as they come and see what happens. But I don't want my feelings to push me to be anything other than myself around her. I have to keep my guard up, because getting closer to her might be super cool, but it has its consequences for both of us. It could disrupt the friendship we currently have.
 
Not to mention, one day, there's a big chance she might even leave my social vicinity, so, it might not be worth it pursuing these feelings anyway.
 
"These feelings" ...which are actually for a girl.  
 
That is quite a shock to me too.  
 
But again, for now, I still need time to process everything, about her and...my taste in future partners.
 
(♡~)
ohmy_engrish
Written by ohmy_engrish (^-^)
Published
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