Revelations and Social Bombs
I'm confused. I'm very confused. I'm not really sure what is going on. You think you know what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, what I'm doing but how can you know if I don't even know.
I'm neither nervous nor excited. Having been both at a point and so anxious that I feel like I'm going to explode in the past I should know if I'm there and feeling neither of those at this point in my life has me confused because I know I'm not happy now. Simply unaffected.
I feel like an animal that is seeing my reflection for the first time. My reflection shows that I don't care. I have run out of thing to give because people have stopped putting their "tips" in my jar; granted, rather than money they'd give me advice but now I have none, and strangely enough I almost miss it.
What? That doesn't sound like me.
I see the people from my past every day and I speak to them the same as normal but I don't feel anything. I recognize I never had a need but for some reason now I have a cognitive dissonance saying that I do need it. I need you. I want you all back.
But my frontal lob is saying "No! Shut up! You don't need any of that anymore! You left for good reason and they didn't need you around anyway! There was no reason for you to stay, neither side needed you to be there and neither side lost anything when you left! Calm down!"
Ergo, I do nothing. I sit and chat, I laugh, I smile, but rather than being genuine or covering the truth I feel nothing. I'm not acting but there is no motivation behind my actions.
I've found better and you all still have whom you need. I'm done, or rather, I was done and now I need not think about it.
I am writing this to prove to myself that I don't need to ask about your resting face anymore. There's no point to because you wouldn't want to explain it to me anyway. Plus, there's no need to ask because I know. I never knew the specifics before I got an outside viewpoint but now that I'm farther from you than I ever have been I know more about you than I ever have before.
Granted, I'm pretty sure I would love to join you once again and you'd welcome me back with open arms but I'd eventually just leave again, and I think we both know that truth, neither of us would find it fulfilling.
It started with three and grew to more than ten and that made me nervous. I never liked having big parties, but a social obligation grew from a lack of outside help and sociability and I didn't recognize it until it was too late to save my mind from my sins and yours. You think you've lost innocence but rather you lost your touch with the child that I fell in love with because you are forcing yourself to be an adult and assume responsibility that was never needed to be assumed by you.
Thank you but you don't need me and I don't need you. You can call it growing up and being adults but rather I think it's simply recognition of the inevitable.
And you. Yes you. You who stole my heart and my thoughts for 6 months and we never looked back. It may have been a shorter time than listed before and maybe that's why leaving was easier.
I take that back. It wasn't easier. It wasn't easy by any stretch of the word. It was awful. I hated it.
I had distractions and friends and family but I couldn't stop thinking about you. I still think about you. What might've happened. What might've worked. What might've been amazing. And what might've been worse.
I still see you every day and think of you every night only to imagine what might've been.
But then I realize and return to that feeling I have that Friday night. I was driving around and thinking about you. Thinking about everything about you. Everything I loved about you. How you made my heart skip (and it still makes my heart skip). How you made me wish I could just cuddle with you and whisper in your ear and never leave your side. But I made a turn away from the sun and towards the moon, I crossed through the forest, past the club, sped past the school, I saw the lake and realized that never of it would transpire. I could never make any of it happen. My anxiety would never allow me to even attempt because when I'm more extroverted and open, I still have too many insecurities to help.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I messed up and never tried. But, we hit the brick border wall of our closed world, our closed universe, and realized that I would need to build my own ladder to climb the wall. I didn't want to leave you there but I didn't see any way either of us could move on and still have both of our souls intact. And now, we are closer than ever before.
I'm sorry, but thank you for freeing me from my own chains.
I love you all. All of you to whom this is written. There is more than one but all are leaving holes in my heart and it feels different, it feels adventurous.
And I think that's what I'm feeling now: the new, the adventurous, the "what" and that's why I don't know it. Ever since the events have transpired I have wanted to write to you but I haven't had to words to answer my burning thoughts.
At the moment I feel nothing, simple content without motivation. Simple thoughts with deeper meanings in the liner notes. Everyone has their own limits of integration to expand their lives and mine, it seems, move slower than everyone else's. But then again, I don't talk to you anymore so I wouldn't know.