deepundergroundpoetry.com

i wouldn't call this a poem

 


i would say this a nightmare of experiences i have had to face, so if you have ever sat behind your monitor and asked yourself why i come across in any particular way at times be sure to stay, i'm going to share it with you.

i'd like to break this down by sharing two quotes before i begin and perhaps that will share some light on the matter, one is written by charles bukowski and the other is by clinton sammy jr.



i.

"I've had so many knives stuck into me, when they hand me a flower I can't quite make out what it is. It takes time" charles bukowski


to tell you the truth he's right and i'm sure a lot of you will relate to this too, i have been stabbed so many times in the back i can't count it on my own body anymore, people often mistake my kindness for foolishness but the truth is; i'm incredibly wary of people not just in real life but in the online world too and i guess that's what happens when your own are out to get at you because "you're different" or "don't fit in to their way of living" it went as far as being hospitalised without any say on the matter and being told "i'm not well" when the fact of the matter is i was told to give up things i had no intentions of giving up at all but i had no say on the matter.

yes i was depressed i do have bipolar but i was largely depressed around that time because i wasn't allowed to make my own decisions or live the life i wish to live, even to the point of developing an eating disorder because i had exhausted all different avenues that didn't work and i could beat everybody slowly and not exist anymore.

i was constantly pushed into having a career, yes i did have a career i struggled and worked incredibly hard for it, but was it on my own terms? i would honestly say no it wasn't on my own terms at all and i was guilt tripped for an incredibly long time with phrases such as "well you made a lot of mistakes, you messed up parts of your education and you need to work hard for this now" i'm proud to say that I did work very hard, it became my form of escape and i went very far with it, but was i happy? i would truthfully say i wasn't because it was just an escape, i had to take on some pretty terrible people throughout my career to get as far as i did with it, i took on incredibly long hours to escape the confines of home life, i experienced some pretty terrible behaviour throughout it just to get somewhere with it too, also for a long while it prohibited me from taking steps in seeking professional help transitioning and that made me incredibly depressed too, can you imagine knowing who you truly are and not being able to trust or confide in anybody about it? i think anybody would want the ground to swallow them up, the only people who knew were a very close circle of friends i grew up with and they understood how limited and prohibited i was in many ways due to my upbringing, they also related because some of them faced similar issues with their families, one of them has taken that to his grave and even made excuses for me while attending routined appointments to clarify where i was at the time so there were no repercussions when i returned at first, however, in the end that only got worse when i finally told everybody and watching people around me drop like flies, i was not met with any kindness at all, even some of my own dropped like flies after they found out, i've even found myself looking at ceilings countless times not wanting to be alive anymore due to the treatment i faced, can you imagine being treated decently for a split moment only to go back into being tarred as the black sheep because the people who are surrounding you that supposedly "love and care about you" got what they wanted out of you? that was a constant day in and day out like a rapid wave you're always trying to battle, i am always heavily relied on for many things, some of those things i shouldn't even be relied on to do, also shouldn't have to do considering treatment i have experienced.

i often discuss themes of lgbtqia and authenticity whilst encouraging others whenever it's been needed, if you have ever wondered why i do this and why i feel it is important, it is because to this day i am still not accepted or respected the way i should be, so to see another human being go through similar struggles and reflect any specks of not being able to live as true
to their core, that kills me every time i hear about it because i know how much that hurts and i know how hard it is to suppress it out of fear of anything bad happening.

if you're wondering why i chose this first quote, it's because i don't know when another person is trying to hand me a flower without any expectations, is trying to gain something from me or just simply out to get at me in some way or another.

allow me to ask you this, when people around you have disappointed and lied to you for years in different ways and on different levels, how do you trust somebody outside of that?

the answer is simple, you don't, you don't trust anybody or at least not as fully as you would like to, as bukowski so famously states "it takes time" and for me that takes an incredibly long time

I often see the knife before the flower.



ii.

"oh but that's the irony, the broken people
are not fragile." clinton sammy jr.


i often only show the tip of an iceberg at the best of times without revealing the hell that often lies beneath the surface, who could blame anybody for that right? maybe that's cowardly i'm not sure; at times it only takes a certain face or a couple of words to say everything that's going on

perhaps this was a long time coming to terms with writing, it hurts writing this all down as i re-live those moments that will be with me for the rest of my life, you can't choose certain things, you can't choose people you love, you can't choose the way you were born, infact, you will find the most important things you have no choice over but you find yourself dragging yourself through the fire and getting on with it and that's exactly what i've done over the years, it's exhausting, i hardly sleep well at the best of times because so many past images and thoughts race through my mind, i feel like i have to be so many steps ahead and that often leaves me forgetting about the important things, like myself, but everyday i wake up surprised that i'm still here and thank the unexplainable for still allowing me to walk on this soil.

maybe writing all this out may help these things fade away and grant me a little respite from it.

if you're wondering why i chose my second quote, it's because i've learnt one thing by carry all of this pain for many years,

i cannot be broken, bought or intimidated
by anything or anybody.

last of all it takes guts to stay soft in a world that wishes to harden you at your core.

it's almost five a.m

i'm off to bed.




ragaire
Written by ragaire
Published
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